The Definitive Giveaway Rankings - FC Cincinnati edition

The False Nine travelled to FC Cincinnati this weekend and we were surprisingly rewarded with a giveaway from TQL Stadium (The Tickle), which means due to the blood pact we made for Austin FC to exist…we have to do a giveaway ranking.

In case you are new here: we here at The False Nine, in our attempt to cover all aspects of ~~Austin FC~~ Soccer fandom, have come up with a grading rubric to judge and rate giveaways. It’s a very simple system for very simple items, everything is graded 1-100 with 5 points possible for the Look, Usability, and Originality categories. An additional 85 points are available for the Throwability category.

Final Rankings:

1-24 – Not worth the effort of grabbing from the attendant

25-49 – No one will be heartbroken by not getting the item, nor will they be sad when they accidentally leave it at the stadium

50-74 – A perfectly cromulent giveaway item

75-99 – An item to cherish and display

100 – Reserved for a Rodney Redes bobblehead

Now, let’s get to the Giveaway:

Rally Towel (5/10/2025 at FC Cincinnati)

Look: It’s kind of a cop-out because it’s not a new or original design, just a copy of the current home kit from Adidas.

Score: 2 out of 5

Usability: It’s a somewhat absorbent towel that fans waved around during their goals against Austin FC, and to open the match, which is an objectively cool crowd effect when everyone is doing it, but how usable is this for anything else? FC Cincinnati doesn’t do beer or water showers so it’s not needed to soak up any water and it’s too flimsy for a garage towel.

Score: 2 out of 5

Originality: As we’ve discussed before, the rally towel was invented by Michael P. Rally so it’s not new. The more surprising thing is that Cincinnati, a city with a very one-sided rivalry against the PIttsburgh Steelers, would do a rally towe, something so synonymous with their rival.

Score: 1 out of 5

Throwability: A towel, a small, oddly shaped towel, is not throwable, and I hate to say this, I couldn’t find a functional way to throw the towel one it was outside of it’s protective packaging. It’s not big enough or in a shape to roll up into a ball, so without bringing in outside help (rubber band, clip, leftover plastic easter egg) it’s just not throwable in the way that we want and expect giveaway items to be.

Score: 35 out of 85

Final Score: 40 out of 100

Ranking of Giveaways (score in parenthesis):

Yeti Season Ticket Holder Gift (98)

Yeti 10 oz Tumbler (96)

LED Bracelet Giveaway (95)

Dell Technologies/Intel Bucket hat (92)

Dell Technologies Fanny Pack (91)

Heineken Koozie (86)

4ATX Foundation/SeatGeek Fan (85)

SeatGeek Stadium Scarf (85)

Q2 Stadium Scarf (84)