There are very few things in life better than getting something for free. It’s why the human race has engineered ways to fire hot dogs, t-shirts, and tacos out of a compressed air cannon.
We here at The False Nine, in our attempt to cover all aspects of Austin FC fandom, have come up with a grading rubric to judge and rate giveaways at Q2 stadium. It’s a very simple system for very simple items, everything is graded 1-100 with 5 points possible for the Look, Usability, and Originality categories. An additional 85 points are available for the Throwability category.
1-24 – Not worth the effort of grabbing from the attendant
25-49 – No one will be heartbroken by not getting the item, nor will they be sad when they accidentally leave it at the stadium
50-74 – A perfectly cromulent giveaway item
75-99 – An item to cherish and display
100 – Reserved for a Rodney Redes bobblehead
Now, let’s get to the 2022 Giveaways:
Netspend FanBand Bracelet
Look: It’s Black, It’s Verde, it has “Verde! Listos!” on it. Completely on brand for an Austin FC giveaway, they even hid the Netspend logo on the inside so it’s not visible.
Score: 5 out of 5
Originality: It’s original in the sense that it was a way to enter a giveaway/raffle via a QR code, but it’s still a black and Verde Plastic Wristband (and not as cool as the St. David’s wristbands we received earlier this season)
Score: 2 out of 5
Usability: It had a built in “use” by entering a giveaway, but it also required an e-mail capture and doing a Captcha. If Hell is real (and not just Ohio) and I go there, my punishment will be trying to sign up for things online and constantly doing Captchas until my identity is broken and I wonder whether or not I am even real and not just a simulation.
Score: -15 out of 5
Throwability: The Great equalizer, or rather, it would be if we hadn’t already had a wristband that was ballistically better than this item. That received a a 75 out of 85 score, this has to be less than that.
Score: 70 out of 85
Final Score: 62 out of 85
Ranking of 2022 Giveaways (score in parenthesis):
Heineken Koozie (86)
4ATX Foundation/SeatGeek Fan (85)
St. David’s LED bracelet (82)
Yeti Hat (81)
Netspend FanBand Bracelet (62)
Two-Sided Towel (35)
This may be the last rendition of these rankings for the season, in which case, I want to thank everyone for reading and sharing their opinions and look forward to next season when the rankings return