This past weekend there was a giveaway at the Austin FC vs. Orlando City SC match, so you know we had to grab one and do the ranking. For those unfamiliar with the concept, Past rankings can be found here. It’s a very simple system for very simple items, everything is graded 1-100 with 5 points possible for the Look, Usability, and Originality categories. An additional 85 points are available for the Throwability category.
1-24 – Not worth the effort of grabbing from the attendant
25-49 – No one will be heartbroken by not getting the item, nor will they be sad when they accidentally leave it at the stadium
50-74 – A perfectly cromulent giveaway item
75-99 – An item to cherish and display
100 – Reserved for a Rodney Redes bobblehead
Look: Let’s get right into it, this is a piece of Verde plastic with lights inside of it that rotate off and on in a circle like a weird game of Simon where all the colors are the same. It has no design aesthetic or pattern and the ends are just clear plastic.
Score: 1 out of 5
Usability: Despite how the bracelet seems like it wouldn’t be very useful, especially since it doesn’t fit well on the body due to it being an exact circle that doesn’t change it’s shape to fit around the body in the way a slap bracelet used to. The bracelet’s usefulness is directly related to the lights themselves, and having the bracelet on during “McKalla” would have been a near religious experience if the club had enough to give to every fan (and if the rest of the stadium caught on). Just imagine an entire stadium of Verde LED lights waving back and forth like 20,000 Verde Candles in the wind. It would have been a great tribute to Lil’ Sebastian when he returned to Q2.
However, it’s most useful feature was the extra light traversing down the Verde Wall stairs, which are as dark as the Roque de los Muchachos Observatory in the Canary Islands after the sun goes down.
Score: 5 out of 5
Originality: It’s only original if you never frequented any makeshift parties where Acid House music was playing, I guess making them LED instead of glowstick helps the ranking, but the satisfying pop of cracking a glowstick is one of life’s simple pleasures. Toggling a switch (which also prevents the braclet ends from being connected) just isn’t the same.
Score: 2 out of 5
Throwability: The bracelet works incredibly well as a projectile, it has a natural spin to it when it’s thrown and the weight/rigidness ratio makes it fly true, so true in fact, that after Future MLS MVP Sebastian Driussi’s lifeline penalty I threw it up into the air and much to my surprise, it landed in the row directly behind me. Fortunately they were too busy celebrating to care about the potential danger they were in.
Lest you think this evidence is anecdotal, let’s consult Sports all-time best throwers, Philly fans, to see what they think of light up bracelets as potential projectiles:
Score: 75 out of 85
Final Score: 82 out of 100
Ranking of 2022 Giveaways (with scores):
St. David’s LED bracelet (82)
Yeti Hat (81)
Two-Sided Towel (35)
Thanks to everyone for reading, this feature will be back for the next giveaway, but until then please remember, you never know the value of something until you throw it into the air.