There are very few things in life better than getting something for free. It’s why the human race has engineered ways to fire hot dogs, t-shirts, and tacos out of a compressed air cannon.
We here at The False Nine, in our attempt to cover all aspects of Austin FC fandom, have come up with a grading rubric to judge and rate giveaways at Q2 stadium. It’s a very simple system for very simple items, everything is graded 1-100 with 5 points possible for the Look, Usability, and Originality categories. An additional 85 points are available for the Throwability category.
1-24 – Not worth the effort of grabbing from the attendant
25-49 – No one will be heartbroken by not getting the item, nor will they be sad when they accidentally leave it at the stadium
50-74 – A perfectly cromulent giveaway item
75-99 – An item to cherish and display
100 – Reserved for a Rodney Redes bobblehead
Now, let’s get to the Giveaway:
4ATX Foundation Keychain Lanyard (5/20/2023 vs. FC Toronto)
Before we get into the categories let me start off my saying that this giveaway is confusing. While the above branding refers to it only as a lanyard, the official club announcement refers to it as a “keychain lanyard” which while more technically accurate, is just as confusing. I, like most people, saw “lanyard” and thought of the more common lanyard that would typically be worn around the neck and this is decidedly not that.
Look: Correct colors, the font of “Verde Listos” is great, the sponsorship logos fit into the design well, good job everyone.
Score: 5 out of 5
Usability: Due to possibly having too many keys at The Compound, we are always in need of key chains that can differentiate which keys belong to which writer or go to which building (the chickens only have one singular key that Louis keeps under a separate lock and key). HOWEVER, this item loses points for 1) not being a neck lanyard and 2) not being large enough for some adults to fit their hand through so it can’t be used as a wristlet.
Score: 3 out of 5
Originality: “Lanyard” giveaways are found at every info booth in every exhibition hall in every convention anyone has been to.
Score: 1 out of 5
Throwability: Every giveaway undergoes rigorous testing where we attempt to throw the item in a myriad of ways. Jeremiah Bentley of Moontower Soccer fame (or infamy?) asked us on twitter how throwable the item is and wit would have been wonderful to have his take and help in the testing process. Unfortunately after we invited him for a game of catch during halftime behind the SW corner of the stadium he never responded.
This giveaway was instead tested back at The Compound where we realized that the keychain was merely a starting ground for a throwable item, by adding keys or other heavier objects on (which after all, is its intended use out in the world). On its own it can be spun around a finger and throw like a Bolas which has a decent amount of accuracy once it is practiced enough.
Score: 41 out of 85
Final Score: 50 out of 100, a Perfectly Cromulent Giveaway Item
Ranking of Giveaways (score in parenthesis):
Yeti 10 oz Tumbler (96)
Heineken Koozie (86)
Yeti Hat (81)
4ATX Foundation Keychain Lanyard (50)
Two-Sided Towel (35)