There are very few things in life better than getting something for free. It’s why the human race has engineered ways to fire hot dogs, t-shirts, and tacos out of a compressed air cannon.
We here at The False Nine, in our attempt to cover all aspects of Austin FC fandom, have come up with a grading rubric to judge and rate giveaways at Q2 stadium. It’s a very simple system for very simple items, everything is graded 1-100 with 5 points possible for the Look, Usability, and Originality categories. An additional 85 points are available for the Throwability category.
1-24 – Not worth the effort of grabbing from the attendant
25-49 – No one will be heartbroken by not getting the item, nor will they be sad when they accidentally leave it at the stadium
50-74 – A perfectly cromulent giveaway item
75-99 – An item to cherish and display
100 – Reserved for a Rodney Redes bobblehead (This is closer to happening than ever before)
Now, let’s get to the Giveaway:
NetSpend Captain Armband (5/13/2023 vs. FC Dallas)
Look: The colors are perfect and the stripes are reminiscent of the OG kits.
Score: 5 out of 5
Usability: The Captain armband was not advertised as being for children, but it was more child sized than adult sized. It was also itchy when worn and due to the tightness didn’t fit neatly over a sleeve.
Score: 2 out of 5
Originality: As far as giveaways go, it’s fairly original as not many clubs have had them, but it loses a point due to how many Austin FC players have worn the armband (three in the past three matches).
Score: 4 out of 5
Throwability: Sometimes I feel like these rankings may not accurately rank the items, but today, this giveaway, this is one I feel passionately about. It’s a piece of non-stretchy elastic that even over short distances is inaccurate at best. This couldn’t be tested until I was back at The Compound because sadly Austin FC didn’t manage a goal during the match. We tried to play catch as Louis fed the chickens, but had to stand so close together that it felt like we were handing the giveaway to each other, not unlike when the armband gets handed to someone else when the Captain is subbed off.
I wish we could have subbed this out for a better giveaway.
Score: 20 out of 85
Final Score: 31 out of 85
Ranking of 2022 Giveaways (score in parenthesis):
Heineken Koozie (86)
Q2 Stadium Scarf (84)
Yeti Hat (81)
Two-Sided Towel (35)
Netspend Captain’s Armband (31)
As was stated when I first received the Armband: