The Definitive Austin FC Giveaway Index

There are very few things in life better than getting something for free. It’s why the human race has engineered ways to fire hot dogs, t-shirts, and tacos out of a compressed air cannon.

We here at The False Nine, in our attempt to cover all aspects of Austin FC fandom, have come up with a grading rubric to judge and rate giveaways at Q2 stadium. It’s a very simple system for very simple items, everything is graded 1-100 with 5 points possible for the Look, Usability, and Originality categories. An additional 85 points are available for the Throwability category.

Final Rankings:

1-24 – Not worth the effort of grabbing from the attendant

25-49 – No one will be heartbroken by not getting the item, nor will they be sad when they accidentally leave it at the stadium

50-74 – A perfectly cromulent giveaway item

75-99 – An item to cherish and display

100 – Reserved for a Rodney Redes bobblehead

Now, let’s get to the Giveaways:

*2023 Yeti Hat* (9/24/2023 vs LA Galaxy)

Look: I’ve been critical of the look of these hats in the past, mostly due to their lack of invention and simple swapping of colors but splitting the hats into themed colors is a great way of changing them up. The black is the best design, but we are unsure if that’s just because we can’t help but think about how Hector Jimenez’s true calling may have been as a model.

Score: 5 out of 5

Usability: It’s a hat, it functions as a hat. It can shield your eyes from sun, your face from water/beer showers, and if you’re losing your hair it can cover up any bald spots.

Score: 4 out of 5

Originality: It’s pretty clear at this point this will be a yearly Giveaway for Austin FC fans, so the “originality” score is really difficult to try and formulate. In that spirit we will give it the same score the last hat received.

Score: 0 out of 5

Throwability: It’s obstensibly the same hat as last year except slightly better quality. I, a person with amazing hair, don’t wear hats, as they hide one of my best features. When Alex Ring opened the scoring 10′ into the match I debated tossing it into the air but held onto it, when Ethan Finlay scored, I also held onto it, even when Emiliano Rigoni scored…I held onto it.

But when Michael Barrios scored, I did throw it.

Right down to the ground.

Score: 75 out of 85

Final Score: 84 out of 100

Ranking of Giveaways (score in parenthesis):

Yeti 10 oz Tumbler (96)

Heineken Koozie (86)

4ATX Foundation/SeatGeek Fan (85)

Yeti Hat 2023 (84)

St. David’s LED bracelet (82)

Yeti Hat 2022 (81)

Netspend FanBand Bracelet (62)