The False 9
Menu
  • Home
  • About Us
  • Twitter
  • Instagram
  • Newsletter Sign Up
Menu

The Definitive Austin FC Giveaway Index – Glow in the Dark Bracelet (5/23/2022 vs. Orlando City)

Posted on May 24, 2022 by Charles Peacock

This past weekend there was a giveaway at the Austin FC vs. Orlando City SC match, so you know we had to grab one and do the ranking. For those unfamiliar with the concept, Past rankings can be found here. It’s a very simple system for very simple items, everything is graded 1-100 with 5 points possible for the Look, Usability, and Originality categories. An additional 85 points are available for the Throwability category. 

Final Rankings:

1-24 – Not worth the effort of grabbing from the attendant

25-49 – No one will be heartbroken by not getting the item, nor will they be sad when they accidentally leave it at the stadium

50-74 – A perfectly cromulent giveaway item

75-99 – An item to cherish and display

100 – Reserved for a Rodney Redes bobblehead 

Look: Let’s get right into it, this is a piece of Verde plastic with lights inside of it that rotate off and on in a circle like a weird game of Simon where all the colors are the same. It has no design aesthetic or pattern and the ends are just clear plastic.
Score: 1 out of 5

Usability: Despite how the bracelet seems like it wouldn’t be very useful, especially since it doesn’t fit well on the body due to it being an exact circle that doesn’t change it’s shape to fit around the body in the way a slap bracelet used to. The bracelet’s usefulness is directly related to the lights themselves, and having the bracelet on during “McKalla” would have been a near religious experience if the club had enough to give to every fan (and if the rest of the stadium caught on). Just imagine an entire stadium of Verde LED lights waving back and forth like 20,000 Verde Candles in the wind. It would have been a great tribute to Lil’ Sebastian when he returned to Q2.

in fact, it would be four times better than 5,000 candles in the wind

However, it’s most useful feature was the extra light traversing down the Verde Wall stairs, which are as dark as the Roque de los Muchachos Observatory in the Canary Islands after the sun goes down.
Score: 5 out of 5

Originality: It’s only original if you never frequented any makeshift parties where Acid House music was playing, I guess making them LED instead of glowstick helps the ranking, but the satisfying pop of cracking a glowstick is one of life’s simple pleasures. Toggling a switch (which also prevents the braclet ends from being connected) just isn’t the same.
Score: 2 out of 5

Throwability: The bracelet works incredibly well as a projectile, it has a natural spin to it when it’s thrown and the weight/rigidness ratio makes it fly true, so true in fact, that after Future MLS MVP Sebastian Driussi’s lifeline penalty I threw it up into the air and much to my surprise, it landed in the row directly behind me. Fortunately they were too busy celebrating to care about the potential danger they were in.

Lest you think this evidence is anecdotal, let’s consult Sports all-time best throwers, Philly fans, to see what they think of light up bracelets as potential projectiles:


Score: 75 out of 85

Final Score: 82 out of 100
Ranking of 2022 Giveaways (with scores):
St. David’s LED bracelet (82)
Yeti Hat (81)
Two-Sided Towel (35)

Thanks to everyone for reading, this feature will be back for the next giveaway, but until then please remember, you never know the value of something until you throw it into the air.

4 thoughts on “The Definitive Austin FC Giveaway Index – Glow in the Dark Bracelet (5/23/2022 vs. Orlando City)”

  1. Jason says:
    May 24, 2022 at 3:59 pm

    I find your methods… unsound.

    Log in to Reply
    1. Slan Apecht says:
      May 25, 2022 at 7:22 am

      In what way? This is a tried and true method of rankings

      Log in to Reply
  2. Pingback: The Definitive Austin FC Giveaway Index - Netspend FanBand Bracelet (9/17/2022 vs. Nashville SC) - The False 9
  3. Pingback: The Definitive Austin FC Giveaway Index - 4ATX Foundation Keychain Lanyard (5/20/2023 vs. FC Toronto) - The False 9

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.

The Latest

  • One-Third of the Way Home: A 2025 Austin FC Review (So Far)
  • The False Nine Travel Blog: Cincinnati
  • The Definitive Giveaway Rankings – FC Cincinnati edition
  • La Murga Report – Week of 5/3/2025 vs. Minnesota and El Paso
  • The False Nine Predicts: Austin FC vs. El Paso Locomotive

Archives

  • May 2025
  • April 2025
  • March 2025
  • February 2025
  • January 2025
  • November 2024
  • October 2024
  • September 2024
  • August 2024
  • July 2024
  • June 2024
  • May 2024
  • April 2024
  • March 2024
  • February 2024
  • January 2024
  • November 2023
  • October 2023
  • September 2023
  • August 2023
  • July 2023
  • June 2023
  • May 2023
  • April 2023
  • March 2023
  • February 2023
  • January 2023
  • December 2022
  • November 2022
  • October 2022
  • September 2022
  • August 2022
  • July 2022
  • June 2022
  • May 2022
  • April 2022
  • March 2022
  • February 2022
©2025 The False 9