IT’S GAME WEEK! And that means we have arrived at the final installment of the 2023 season preview: predictions from the False 9 staff. Yes, this has the chance to go off the rails very quickly, but <deep breath> here we go.
(If you missed preview part 1 and part 2, check ’em out.)
QUESTION 1: What is Austin FC’s floor and ceiling this year?
Louis de Ludovico
Floor: A beautiful Paspalum. It’s like Dr. Scholl’s for chicken feet.
Ceiling: Our dreams and ambitions are limited only by humano-chicken consciousness.
Travis McTravelFace
Floor: A 3 AM Spirit Airlines flight out of Santiago after a loss to Violette in CCL
Ceiling: Penthouse Party with illegally snuck in booze in Riyadh after Austin FC beats Bayern Munich in the Club World Cup final
Andrea Provolone
Floor: An outbreak of treatment resistant athlete’s foot leaves us with less depth than our first season.
Ceiling: A RR goal that saves the game, the day and our souls.
Charles Peacock
Floor: Los Voces kit (early cup exits and no playoffs)
Ceiling: Original VerdeBlack Kit (Hoisting multiple trophies)
Uncle Tony P
Floor: Early tournament exits followed by a nail-biting Decision Day trip to (gulp) San Jose where we fight for our playoff lives.
Ceiling: At least one trophy lift that isn’t in a parking lot.
QUESTION 2: Who will be the most impactful newcomer to the roster?
Louis
Zardes and his thunderous right shin.
Travis
Leo and his speed will almost make us forget Ruben’s contributions last year.
Andrea
Leo. He wears a ring on his pointer finger and that’s a boss move.
Charles
I’m going off the board and picking quasi-newcomer Emiliano Rigoni. He only played ~280 minutes last season and he’s going to have a huge year.
Uncle Tony P
Leo and Zardes are the obvious choices, but I’m rolling with Adam Lundkvist. His experience at left back will not only push Zan Kolmanic to improve, but also allow John Gallagher to move to his more natural right side for some much-needed depth.
QUESTION 3: The under-the-radar player I’m most excited about this season is….
Louis
Kippy, brah.
Travis
I am excited to see Jimenez as a backup winger this season. At least we hopefully won’t have to see Redes that often.
Andrea
Emi
Charles
Sofiane Djeffal, he was good at DC last season and now he gets to play with competent MLS players.
Uncle Tony P
Owen Wolff. It looks like he may be a Game 1 starter this year in the midfield. If he’s improved that much already, the kid may be in Europe sooner rather than later.
QUESTION 4: What game are you most looking forward to this season?
Louis
St. Louis. I like the name.
Travis
I am hoping we get Leon away in CCL as that would be great to spend a week in Guanajuato getting away from the world. I’m also hoping for the 4th Round US Open Cup away day to be at Forward Madison, as Breese Stevens Field is the most English football ground in the US, and beating a team with cows right off their pitch would be epic.
Andrea
Whatever game that leaves us buzzing like the DC away game, or the afternoon Houston Away game of last season, etc. The ones where Austin FC lore is born as well as a gif of a player’s parent taking a filthy shot out of a covid-infected rubbed chicken.
Charles
Home to St. Louis on February 25, the pageantry of the home opener and being able to give the “Louligans” their official welcome to MLS (with a multiple goal Austin win).
Uncle Tony P
Toronto. There’s a better than average chance that this team is going to be really, really good. A trio of Lorenzo Insigne, Mark-Anthony Kaye and Federico Bernardeschi is ridiculous, plus they added Matt Hedges in defense. Early litmus test for our boys.
QUESTION 5: If you could choose to win only one of the four competitions this year, which one would it be and why?
Louis
CCL – It’s Champions League. Dilly Ding Dilly Dong!
Travis
CCL – Come on, who doesn’t want to be the champions of CONCACAF and go to Saudi Arabia in December!
Andrea
Whichever trophy holds the most queso.
Charles Peacock
The most prestigious Champions league competition in the world: CONCACAF Champions League.
Uncle Tony P
I’m a sucker for CCL. It’s insane, makes no sense, and I love everything about it. But I want MLS Cup. A star above the crest would be beautiful. Winning one before FC Dallas would be a funny added bonus and offer some all-time bragging rights.
QUESTION 6: What defines success in 2023 for Austin FC?
Louis
If I am able to get Bao’d Up at every game and find a Jellyfish for under $15 total.
Travis
Winning a trophy larger than Copa Tejas, whether it be CCL, a Shield, a MLS Cup, Leagues Cup, or a US Open Cup.
Andrea
If we can kick off 2023’s season with the same fire as last year, I think that shows we are now consistently signing players and adding to the system with the guys in mind and that our team camaraderie is providing a nourishing environment. Also, more outfits for Tik = success.
Charles
At least one deep cup run and a home playoff match, anything less would have to be considered a disappointment.
Uncle Tony P
Silverware. The bar was raised last season. This is the logical next step.
QUESTION 7: Who will predict more games correctly: Phil West or the Chickens?
Louis
No comment
Travis
PointsBet will get more of them correct than Phil or the chickens.
Andrea
First half: Chickens
Second Half: Phil
Charles
Phil West lost to spicy chicken wings let alone chickens with “the sight”.
Uncle Tony P
LOL Phil has no shot.
Question 8: FMK – San Jose, Houston, Frisco
Louis
If these are my options, my hens and I are off to a monastery.
Travis
Fuck: San Jose, since that’s clearly the most fun.
Marry: Frisco since at least the folks in Collin County are rich and the cost of living is low.
Kill: Houston, since no one wants to deal with those fools.
Andrea Provolone
Fuck: Houston so it can experience sex for the very first time, but then never call it again so it has to live knowing what it’s missing, which will inevitably lead it to end itself.
Marry: San Jose
Kill: Frisco
Charles Peacock
Fuck: San Jose because there’s always a delightful amount of chaos in their matches and unknown excitement is an attribute I like in a partner.
Marry: Frisco because they’re so good at raising academy players and sending them out to success in the world.
Kill: Houston because no one in MLS would miss them and it’s the easiest murder to get away with.
Uncle Tony P
Fuck: Easily San Jose. I’m convinced there isn’t a better one-night stand in MLS.
Marry: Frisco. I think they know how to balance a checkbook and financial responsibility is a good trait in a long-term partner. Also, their expectations are usually pretty low, which is good for me. The insistence upon having weekly family outings to Applebee’s would be a problem though.
Kill: Houston. That club is already on life support anyway.
Alright, that’ll do it for the season preview. In the words of Ron Burgundy:
Uncle Tony P.
Uncle Tony P. is a lifelong Austin FC supporter and overall handsome son of a bitch who always has a full supply of mustard on hand for his Verde friends.