5-0!!! Saturday night sure was one hell of a way to start the 2022 season for the boys in Verde and Black. I don’t think many of us are surprised that Austin FC emerged victorious (after all, the chicken predicted it). But the ruthlessness on display is something that’s never been seen on MLS Opening Day. As in, ever.
See. Told ya so.
Now that the dust has settled on this epic beatdown and we here at The False Nine have had time to sober up, it is our duty to bring you a thorough breakdown of the game. To accomplish this, we’ve brought in my sister, who shall from this day forward be known as Sister Tony P.
Sister Tony P. is a self described “soccer doofus”. She knows very little about the intricacies of the sport, but she has enjoyed watching Austin FC and learning about the culture. She even attended a few games last season and decided to brave the weather to come to the opener with me on Saturday evening. So what did Sister Tony P. think of the McKalla mauling? Let’s find out!
Q: What did you think about the midfield rotations during transitional moments?
Sister Tony P: Fantastic. Austin FC players everywhere. From what I counted, about 10 of them running all over the field at any given moment. Too many players to count the number of rotations, but some of them spun around a LOT.
Q: How would you rate our debut players?
Sister Tony P: Well there were a few ones out there. Here goes:
Kipp Keller – Glorious hair, my dude. (I am assuming dude is your preferred identifier?) I really liked how I could picture you killing it just as hard while wearing a pair of flip flops. It’s the kind of laid back vibes Josh Wolff seems like he needs.
Felipe Martins – I was told Brazilians go by their first name. Which comes off as such a baller thing to me over here in the States. You think of people who go by first names like Beyoncé, Drake, Zendaya, Sting and Cher. Penn and Teller! Single-named people are the top of the game. I think with that alone, Felipe’s first appearance gets 5 stars.
Ruben Gabrielsen – I like this guy. I heard him on the broadcast during the exhibition game against Atlas and he was super charismatic. He is also wearing MY number. Which I had on my jersey first. But it’s fine. I guess he’s done a little bit more to earn and show off the number 4 than me, but not by much. I beat my uncle at foosball on Christmas Eve in 2001. He was the Illinois state champ in foosball and ping pong, so, your move Gabrielsen.
Maxi Urruti – Another dude with strong hair game. I saw him jump really high. If chick’s have big hair because it’s full of secrets, man buns must be full of testosterone or something. Long, fast strides and being ready to shoot from literally anywhere on the field doesn’t seem to come naturally to most players, but I bet the ones who do usually have a power bun.
Jhojan Valencia – I’m gonna be completely honest. By the 70th minute I had 2 hand warmers in my shoes, two in my gloves and one down my pants. It was so damn cold, I couldn’t even focus and I had long since gone to live inside my scarf. So I will instead rate for you his arrival in Austin, which many fans showed up for. He gets a 10 for being a good sport. I would not be so smiley and appreciative showing up in a new city after an exhausting journey. When I get to a hotel and have a cushy bed (SLEEP) in my sight, a full-on band and bullhorns greeting me would probably make me startle-pee my pants.
Ethan Finlay – Before retreating into my scarf to live out the rest of the game, I did see a few glimpses of Finlay. He seems fast. I thoroughly enjoyed him celebrating with the rest of the guys. Very firm back pats! I had a betta fish named FinLEY once. Unrelated, but it came to mind so I had to put it down. FinLAY is much more active than FinLEY was during his time. He also seems much heartier. FinLEY died when the cat knocked a perfume bottle into his tank while I was at work. FinLAY seems like he would easily yeet any cat attempting to take his life.
Q: What do we need to work before next week?
Sister Tony P: Handshakes and choreographed post-goal celebrations with some pizazz. Everyone knows the proper way to show you’re gelling with your teammates is to have a handshake or celebration that looks like time was set aside after practice to perfect it. I also wouldn’t mind a “Kipp Kipp! Hooray!” chant at some point, but it’s gotta be from older folks. The supporters section doesn’t seem like it would stoop to that easy of a pun.
So there you have it folks! Sister Tony P. has spoken. She’ll be back occasionally throughout the season to share more of her observations and analysis.