It’s a bye week for the Verde & Black, which means we can sit back, relax, and totally not worry about the struggles seen during the opening month of the season. It’s Spring now. Hope is eternal.
<looks at schedule>
OH CRAP WE HAVE TO PLAY AT LAFC NEXT WEEK?!!!
Deep breath. That’s not until next week. It will not ruin my April Fool’s Day MLS couch viewing with Cheeto fingers. And since it’s a bye for us, we’re adding a new category: MLS Sickos Game of the Week!
Let’s get to the cheering guide.
MLS Sickos Game of the Week
Chicago Fire vs D.C. United – 7:30 p.m. (Apple TV)
Two teams with a combined 9 points in 9 matches, playing in a wind chill below freezing in front of about 45 people? And this has Pierre-Luc Lauziere on the whistle? SIGN ME UP RIGHT NOW!
Oh, you don’t remember Pierre-Luc Lauziere, the man who refereed the home Austin match vs Sporting KC last year? Yeahhhhh, now you see where we’re going here.
This game has the potential to completely off the rails. It’s a true MLS Sickos delight. Enjoy it with me you crazy bastards.
6:30 p.m. Block (Apple TV – *Denotes Free Match)
Philadelphia Union vs Sporting KC
FC Cincinnati vs Inter Miami CF*
Columbus Crew vs Real Salt Lake
Toronto FC vs FC Charlotte*
New England Revolution vs NYCFC*
Orlando City vs Nashville SC
Atlanta United vs New York Red Bulls
L.A. Galaxy vs Seattle Sounders* (Also on FOX)
If you didn’t hear, Felipe, our beloved shithouser, got a retroactive yellow card for simulation this week in his last match for Orlando. And you know what we say to that?
Felipe can do no wrong. He and the rest of the Magic Kingdom residents host Nashville in what feels like an early season match for playoff positioning. Both of these clubs will challenge for a top four spot in the East, and thus home field advantage, making every point count. If you’re going to watch an Eastern Conference game Saturday, make it this one.
The national TV game this week is in Carson where the Galaxy host Seattle in what should be an unusual atmosphere. For those unaware, L.A.’s supporter groups are boycotting Galaxy matches until the club ousts General Manager Chris Klein. How did the team respond? By giving Klein an extension. So basically, not everything is calm in South L.A. And now they get to host a very good Seattle team?
The Sides: Both of Mickey Mouse’s homes
7:30 p.m. Block (Apple TV – *Denotes Free Match)
FC Dallas vs Portland Timbers*
St Louis vs Minnesota
Here’s where expectations and narratives can make things seem bleaker than they really are sometimes. It feels like Austin FC is having a rough year so far. However, when you look at the standings, our boys are even on points with Frisco and one point out of hosting a first round playoff match. It’s still way too early to get deep into the table, but I felt it was important to point that out as folks hit the panic button. Also, Frisco plays a bad Portland team this week.
Meanwhile, in the “they can’t keep getting away this” section, St Louis CITY are unblemished so far this season. No draws. No losses. 5 games. 5 wins. It’s the best start in MLS expansion club history. And now they go home to face Minnesota. This might be the first game all year where I’m extremely confident the other team won’t gift CITY a goal, but I’m also learning quickly that the there is some serious woo-woo shit going on in St Louis. This game needs a big ole helping of Minnesota casserole.
The Sides: Trees and Loons
8:30 p.m. Block (Apple TV – *Denotes Free Match)
Colorado Rapids vs LAFC
9:30 p.m. Block (Apple TV – *Denotes Free Match)
San Jose Earthquakes vs Houston Dynamo*
Vancouver Whitecaps vs Club de Foot Montreal
Houston has won two straight. This doesn’t feel good or right. I’m banking on resident chaos agents San Jose to fix that for us.
The Side: Silicon Valley