A perfect team working together all trying to achieve the same goal. It’s exactly what everyone wants to be a part of, but really, we want to be part of a perfect team that’s doing something very specific: We want to pull off a heist
To have a successful crew you need a few basic archetypes, the mastermind, the muscle, the tech guru, the driver, the face, and possibly a greaseman depending on the job. If you don’t have a group of friends that can fit into all of those roles, you need to find more friends. Friends who can help you rob a casino in less than 48 hours or break into a party held by a billionaire who is keeping a piece of tech in a Supercar that is in a Skyscraper. This is important, like a zombie apocalypse team but a more realistic scenario.
The key to a successful heist crew is similar to what makes for a successful sports team, everyone needs to know their roles, what is expected of them, and they need to be the right fit for the job. It would be asinine if Austin FC put a defender as a striker in an important game against an in-state rival, but Wolff would never do that.
But this does have us thinking, if we were assembling an Ocean’s 11 style heist crew featuring only Austin FC players, what would be your crew? I posed this question during our weekly assignment meeting, and unfortunately our typical Rochambeau strategy was unable to determine the writer of this piece. Those interested all got to pick their crews as we had a friendly debate during a couple of champagne afternoons where we binge watched all five of the Ocean’s movies (the original, 11, 12, 13, and 8). A few ground rules, players can only be assigned to one role and they must be current Austin FC players.
Charles Peacock’s Crew
He’s charismatic and his ability to think multiple steps ahead to break down a defense show he has the brains to come up with a fool proof plan. It helps that he’s versatile (both our top scorer and #1 in pressures of opponents) enough that if needed he could help out in any area of the heist.
I’m actually not sure if Alex Ring is very tech inclined or not, but with the way he dresses off the field I feel like he’s about to pitch a new app idea to some VCs.
I know this is not what anyone expected, but hear me out. Ruben speaks six different languages and that level of communication is important for the face of our heist. We know he’s good at getting out of a situation quickly and with flair, which is important should anything go sideways (and yes, things will at some point go sideways).
The shortest and lightest Austin FC Player per ESPN it would make sense that Diego would be suited to fit into confined spaces and use his innate dexterity to grab the [insert Heist objective here]. We know he’d never quit until the job was done and he’d look incredible in a sleek black nylon bodysuit.
He currently leads the team in interceptions and in actions that take the ball away from the other team, so this seems like a pretty obvious “pick”.
I’m not sure if anyone has noticed this, but whenever he’s in a vehicle with other members of the team, he’s driving. That means that not only do they trust him but that he has the most experience behind the wheel. He’s also the most experienced member of the crew and at some point will provide an important piece of wisdom that will be remembered at exactly the right moment.
I thought about having Pereira in this spot, but his penchant for unnecessary violence is a wild card that we don’t need on this heist. Martins is a wily veteran, willing to do whatever it takes, even fouling players two seconds into the heist just to set the tone.
I’m sure a lot of you would have expected this to be the actual child on the team, but Owen has been around professional soccer his entire life and seems to have a calmness and professionalism that his teammates recognize.
Kippy “The Kid” Keller is too perfect of a nickname not to pick him here. He’s going to make a few mistakes as he learns his role in the crew.
Uncle Tony P.’s Crew
While I have a lot of respect for my colleague, he put way too much thought into this. I’m choosing to do this in short-form with one or two sentence explanations instead because my picks are so obviously correct.
The Mastermind – Alex Ring. Listen to his pre-game and halftime speeches. He’s in control here.
The Hacker – Jon Gallagher. The man life-hacked his way from playing winger to a starting left-back job in one off-season. With those credentials, he can certainly hack something like a security camera or 10,000.
The Face – Brad Stuver. No player has been more front and center for the club than Stu for charity, speeches, interviews, etc. Easy choice here.
The Burglar – Maxi Urruti. He’s scored winning goals this year to absolutely steal games in Montreal and Denver. Plus he swiped the most hilarious goal of the season, when he feigned injury against Minnesota only to get right up and put in the game winner.
The Pickpocket – Charles got this one right. Julio all the way for this slot.
The Driver – Sebastian Driussi. The team doesn’t make it to the their final destination without him. And he’s pulled out a few high speed escapes (Denver & D.C.).
The Muscle – Jhojan Valencia. I still laugh when I think about him absolutely destroying a Miami player in the midfield in Week 2.
The Kid – Dani Periera. He’s the future Mastermind of this club. The Kid is the Mastermind’s student. He and Ring play the same hybrid 6/8 position. Symmetry everywhere.
The Swiss-Army Knife – Diego Fagundez. You know how in the “Ocean’s” series you had the two brothers who did a little bit of everything? Whether it was making dice at the plant, being room service attendants, or argumentative tourists, they were integral to the operation. Diego is that guy. He can play midfield or either wing, tracks back on defense, scores, assists, and so much more.