Every home game since last season we have been treated to a slideshow of game day fits as pristine and effortlessly stylish as you can get in pro sports. While it has allowed us to see each player’s individual style and preference for luxe versus comfort, one thing has stood out each time. The bags. No duffel, no backpack, just a small toiletry bag filled with ~mystery~. Today I am taking a deeper look at these gameday accessories and tagging in our newest False Nine writer La Sticky Gallardo to help with the assessment.
Andrea: This man has a rubber ducky and a squishy puff for the showers. I’m almost positive. And shampoo exclusively for blondes.
Sticky: A selection of Tide Pods.
Andrea: He seems like a lip balm guy. It’s an important item. Also really expensive cologne.
Sticky: And a retainer.
Andrea: Felipe’s has a double zipper so that it opens up twice as wide, which tells me there is something significant inside of it. There absolutely is some type of chest oil. A switchblade comb. Are those cool? They are now.
Sticky: Definitely a musky cologne. He needs the additional zipper for Tik’s essentials as well. What a dedicated dad!
Andrea: Good point. Probably has those applesauce squeeze packets and a spare set of socks. You know how fast kids go through socks.
Andrea: That bag looks big enough for a victory burrito just in case they win. And also a counterfeit Chipotle unlimited burrito card.
Sticky: A Nintendo Switch
Andrea: Curl and shine shampoo. The hair is immaculate.
Sticky: Definitely some hair product, too.
Andrea: A straight razor for the tip top facial hair. Also a toothbrush. He looks like he maintains excellent oral hygiene.
Andrea: Very sneaky little bag he has there, but his overalls have lots of pockets that could be loaded with stuff. Definitely hair ties.
Sticky: Sex Panther cologne. And a set of small grilling utensils for an asado at a moment’s notice.
Andrea: Chimichurri sauce (homemade) and some assorted spices.
Sticky: A whoopee cushion. And a change of clothes for Tik for the club after the game.
Andrea: Felipe holds the essentials and a change of regular clothes, Maxi brings Tik’s party outfit. It’s called balance.
Andrea: Another double zipper bag with a wide opening. It’s probably loaded with stuff. I bet he carries a journal full of the names of refs and players who have wronged him.
Sticky: Good luck charms from his kids.
Andrea: A pocket knife.
Sticky: I was about to say a tiny dagger. The villain glasses are really influencing this one.
Andrea: Absolutely. Maybe throwing stars or daggers? Or a Batarang! I bet he has like 5 types of cologne.
Sticky: He definitely has a nice razor, too. His facial hair is always excellently groomed. He strikes me as a guy with a killer skincare regimen.
Andrea: He brings the full skincare line. He’s going to get in a ref’s face and he’s going to GLOW while he does it.
Andrea: Look how tiny that bag is. He’s also barely gripping it with two fingers, which shows there’s not a lot in it. The marker of a man who needs next to nothing to look good. Probably some high-end shampoo in the same scent as his cologne.
Sticky: I imagine that he has a hollowed out gemstone filled with an elixir that works perfectly for all purposes. Count Of Monte Cristo vibes. And a back up dangly cross earring just in case.
Andrea: A polishing cloth for his jewelry. And some rubber gloves in case he has to touch anyone poor.
Sticky: Sunglasses that cost more than my car so he doesn’t have to look at anyone ugly in the full light of day.
Andrea: He insulates his bag from the summer heat with crumpled up $100 bills. A simple man, really. Just the usual essentials. The rest of us are but worthless peasants.
We hope you enjoyed part 1 of this series. If you have any guesses or gut feelings of what’s in the bag, feel free to leave them in the comments!
I would like to thank our newest addition to The False Nine, La Sticky Gallardo for joining me. Keep an eye out for future content from La Sticky as they glob their way into our lives and hearts.