The False Nine has always been intended as a place to write about interesting nonsense regarding Austin FC and Austin FC fan culture. We’ve tracked goals scored during chants, had chickens predict matches, and ranked giveaways.
We are here for the fun.
This season…has not been fun.
Austin enters tonight’s game 13th in the conference after having lost to the only team below them in the standings. That match, according to FBRef had an xG of 0.6 to 0.8. This is not “Joga Bonito” it’s not even “Joga assistível“ it’s “joga por que.” As in “por que am I watching this?”
So here’s a tip of advice: Don’t. No one is making you (please blink twice if someone is in fact making you)
In an effort for there to be more fun I have a suggestion for what to do on Wednesday that isn’t watching Austin FC play Wolffball and pass in a never ending horseshoe of sadness.
“Cut, Color, Murder” is a murder mystery produced by Hallmark (currently streaming on Peacock). It centers around a small town in Idaho and the central character: Ali Reed (Julie Gonzalo), a hairstylist and former Beauty Queen. She is a widow, her detective husband having been murdered years ago…mysteriously.
That crime will not be solved in this movie. Or will it? (It won’t)
Every year this town has a giant Beauty Pageant (Miss Golden Peak) with the winner getting a cash prize and scholarship money. Needless to say…this competition gets fierce. It spawns family feuds and generational rivalries that are stoked by the organizer, who get this: gets murdered a few days before the pageant!
This makes everyone involved in the pageant (including Ali’s younger sister) a suspect!
The aging Sheriff, Fred Wright (Fred Henderson) has brought in a new hot shot detective from the city, Kyle Crawford (Ryan McPartlin) to help with the department. He is dubious of Ali’s ability to Sherlock Holmes clues about anyone, as well as know way too much about the town thanks to her hair salon. Their relationship hits a nadir when he sits for a haircut and upon completion he says it’s “not bad.” Quelle Horror!
With the suspect list expanding and the deadline for the pageant (which for some reason has to continue?) closing in, can Ali and Kyle put aside their differences to figure out who committed the murder?
Spoiler alert: this is a Hallmark movie and they reconcile their differences and solve the murder.
So i ask you, dear reader: Do you want to watch an endless string of passes go nowhere? Do you want to end your night being frustrated and angry?
Do you want a light hearted movie where fun characters solve a murder and bring peace to a small town? This doesn’t require Ali Reed’s detective abilities to figure out.