Hello everyone and welcome to the inaugural False Nine Mailbag. This is something we will do from time to time
when we need content and try to take the pulse of Austin FC fandom in a way that only we could.
As always, these are the most prescient questions regarding Austin FC and it’s fan culture.
I try to keep my religious beliefs private, as it’s one of the controversial topics I was told to not talk about at the table like politics, money, and which actor is the best Batman (It’s still Adam West RIP). El Pollo’s involvement in the Immaculate Incarceration from Saturday cannot be ignored. His mere presence helped to spur Austin onto their historic comeback, and despite his many followers, San Julius has never had this kind of effect for the team on the pitch, if we are to go back to believing in him, he needs to perform a miracle soon.
This is in reference to MLS Extra Time’s Andrew Wiebe’s insistence on downplaying Austin FC’s early season success. He has a platform that he could do a lot with in terms of promoting the excellent fanbases in MLS, holding clubs accountable for their actions, or asking why an Electric Jellyfish is $18. Instead, his attempts to provide “context” are clearly meant to do nothing but generate outrage attention and should be ignored in favor of actual analysis of the team and the league instead of feeding into his nefarious and assumedly evil plans. The only way to win is to not play.
That being said, the Austin FC fanbase (especially online) has been treated to years of disrespect from other fanbases and it has hardened us. We are ready to strike at any time with numbers that cannot be ignored, for good or ill. We need to only use this power for good.
As for burning an effigy? I’m not sure we need more fires in Q2 considering how often flames have appeared on the capo stands this year. We need to protect Marc Tost at all costs.
Are the False 9 Chickens Related to El Pollo?
-Booktastic Bus Driver
Sadly, after extensive genetic testing, our chickens are not in any way related to Pollo because they’re actual chickens and Pollo is made of plastic.
Did Wolf outthink his opposition for the first time ever?
A confluence of three things aided the comeback 1) El Pollo’s return 2) being up a man for the entire second half, and 3) increased “ruthlessness” *drinks* in front of goal. If we can continue to replicate those three things I think Austin will continue to have positive results.
Does this victory mean Austin is now the country’s capital?
The Texas Capitol building is bigger than the United States Capitol and size matters, so yes, a Norwegian who has lived in the United States for less than two months just determined where our seat of power is, which makes just as much sense as the Electoral College.
If my Boss says “biannual” when she means “biennial” should I correct her or proceed as instructed?
If this instruction is in writing, then yes, proceed as instructed.
Can Austin FC and Houston Dynamo declare a truce and concentrate our efforts to mock FC Dallas when Austin hoists MLS Cup this season?
-Shar T. Sonpurpose
There will never be a truce amongst these fan bases, but it would give the Austin/Houston section of the Texas Triangle of Shitalking more ammunition against Dallas if they’re the only ones who have never hoisted MLS Cup in the state.
If you haven’t been following the La Murga Reports here’s a quick refresher. So far in 2022 Austin FC has scored 8 goals on the North End and 4 looking at the Verde Wall. Their opponents (FC Cincinnati, Inter Miami, Seattle Sounders, and Minnesota United) have only managed one goal on each end. This is a small sample size, but when combined with the 2021 numbers (Austin FC 17 goals facing North, 9 towards the Verde Wall, opponents with 17 goals on the north end and 8 toward the south) it certainly seems based on the statistical evidence that it is a benefit to be attacking toward the north end of the stadium.
Why is this the case, we asked around and got a variety of responses like “The False what?” and “Can you hand back my beer?” and one person just yelled “STUUUUU” at us for 30 straight seconds. So the jury is out, but rest assured, we are on the case.
Thank you to everyone who sent in questions, if you want to appear in the next mailbag, please send us a DM on Twitter to @TheFalseNineTX