Friendly readers of The False Nine, we have some bad news. After our successful launch of The False Nine Edmonton, Alberta, Canada, The World and the ever popular home base of The False Nine Texas, we were excited to bring you our special temporary pop-up TF9 location live from the World Cup in Qatar! The unveiling was scheduled for the day before the tournament began. Unfortunately, we ran into a few legal issues and are no longer welcome in the host nation, much like pretty much anyone else attending would be during Not The World Cup.
Ah what might have been, we had a swanky office made of tin and dust, just like a Texas town from a movie in the 80s. After Sweden was eliminated they donated their entire supply of IKEA office-ware to us so we were up and running. We had rolly chairs. We had file cabinets that sometimes worked. We had confusingly shaped desks. We had IT man, we had it all.
All good things must come to an end and unfortunately we received a phone call from our lawyers at Slippen, Fall, and Sioux to inform us that we were no longer welcome in Qatar and must leave immediately. The fax machine began to whirr and the list of charges was as long as the technology was inferior, the full list is reproduced below:
- Expecting the Summer World Cup that was promised
- Drinking an $18 Jellyfish
- Paying our employees
- Eating Asian Fusion cuisine
- Acts of Flaming Homosexuality
- Acts of Flaming Heterosexuality
- General Buggery
- Starting a K-Pop Band without Autotune
- Constructing our office without slave labor
- Excessive possession of laminators
- The seemingly random Capitalization on this list
- Not adequately prostrating ourselves in front of photos of sepp Blatter (oh how we tried….)
- Having any sort of morals or human decency whatsoever
Initial charges filed but later dropped:
- Voting for Hany Mukhtar for MVP
- Saying Finlay is better than Diego
(TF9 agrees these should be crimes, but even the Qatari authorities agreed that we’d never, ever commit such heinous acts).
We hope our next expansion is more successful and would like to give a special thank you to the American Outlaws for alerting the Qatari authorities about our spectacular list of violations above.