The Definitive Austin FC Giveaway Index – Heineken Koozie (7/12/2022 vs. Houston Dynamo)

Posted on by Charles Peacock


There was a giveaway during Austin FC’s yearly destruction of the Houston Dynamo at Q2, for a quick refresher on how that rubric is set up: the giveaway is graded 1-100 with 5 points possible for the Look, Usability, and Originality categories. An additional 85 points are available for the Throwability category. 

Final Rankings:

1-24 – Not worth the effort of grabbing from the attendant

25-49 – No one will be heartbroken by not getting the item, nor will they be sad when they accidentally leave it at the stadium

50-74 – A perfectly cromulent giveaway item

75-99 – An item to cherish and display

100 – Reserved for a Lord Redes bobblehead 

Now, let’s get to the Giveaways:

Heineken Koozie

Looks: I know this is going to come off as a surprise, but I love the color. It’s a bright verde and the simplicity of the logos gives it a clean look.
Score: 5 out of 5

Usability: It’s the middle of one of the hottest summers on record (almost as hot as Austin FC is on the pitch) and the only way to reliably beat the heat is to be in water. What’s great while too warm and in water? Cans. yes, cans! but what do we need to keep the can cool so we can enjoy it longer? A Koozie!
Score: 5 out of 5

Originality: This is the downfall of the Koozie, something that’s give out by scantily clad women at bars for free and everyone already has more than they could ever possibly need. It loses points for being basic.
Score: 1 out of 5

Throwability: These are incredibly throwable. Their flat shape when not holding anything makes them easy to throw like a frisbee and if they’re holding a can they only become easier to throw. This design is inherently better to own than those ballistically terrible formed ones that people who don’t know what they’re doing have at the river or lake.
Score: 75 out of 85

Final Score: 81 out of 100
Ranking of 2022 Giveaways (with scores):
Heineken Koozie (86)
St. David’s LED bracelet (82)
Yeti Hat (81)
Two-Sided Towel (35)

We have a new Champion! Long may it reign!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ltcHzgUc944

Thanks to everyone for reading, this feature will be back for the next giveaway, but until then please remember, you never know the value of something until you throw it into the air.