Last week, San Julius came into our lives and proved the powers of poultry prognostication . This week, the augurs who serve El FC have turned to another of our sacred birds. We chose our beloved Rodney (a Dominique, allegedly the US’s oldest chicken breed. https://www.thehappychickencoop.com/dominique-chicken/), so named for her uncanny ability to lay eggs when needed most.
Deciding to lean fully into woo woo shit, we journeyed to Miami’s team hotel, donned our robes, reverently covered our heads, and scattered our ethically-sourced, pelleted feed. At first, Rodney looked around, troubled by the excessive amount of pastel-clad people traipsing about. She seemed doubly dubious of the kit men who, embodying a modern day tandem of Crockett and Tubbs in their Italian suits and sockless loafers, were interrogating the players to find out who gobbled up the last pieces of extra crispy bacon at the buffet. (Afraid to say, they never caught the culprit but did keep looking askance at an Edward James Olmos lookalike).
Uncle Tony P. then tried to get Rodney’s attention. Her gaze was averted but she caught sight of something glittering in the shrubs. She sprinted over to the hedge, leapt into the miniature boxwood and tripped. We found there, resting partly buried, an antique ivory cigarette holder, inscribed with “No toquen. Propiedad de Gonzalo” in the most exquisite Spanish Gothic script we’ve ever seen. Exploring further, we also found several empty cigarette cases (Winston Lights, if you’re curioius).
As Rodney was attempting to lick up some of that sweet, tobacco juice, Turd Verdeson shouted out, “Hey, look! It’s Phil Neville!” Head popping up, Rodney sprinted towards Turd faster than Usain Bolt running a 100.
However, recognizing that it was Phil and not Aaron Neville, Rodney despondently dropped her combed head. You see, nothing produces richer, more deeply colored egg yolks than a laying hen relaxing in her coop upon a nest made of the fabric of our lives.
Nearing exasperation and becoming worried, we scattered more feed for Rodney. She happily devoured it, hopped twice on her right foot, and then haughtily moved forward seven steps. All of us augurs smiled, thrilled in this development.
Austin – 3
Miami – 1