I’m going to level with you all. It’s been a long, tiring week. Having had the privilege of attending both games in D.C. and San Antonio, I am more than ready for a home match Saturday. So today, you get the first ever “Lazy person’s Austin FC MLS Cheering Guide” where all games are summed up in one sentence for you should feel about them this week. Teams we want to win are in italics. Like I said, I’m tired y’all.
Philadelphia Union vs Club de Foot Montréal – 2:00 p.m. (ESPN+)
We are two points behind Philly in the race for the Supporter’s Shield.
The Side: Club de Foot
FC Dallas vs Houston Dynamo – 2:30 p.m. (Univision/TUDN/Twitter)
There is only one answer here.
Minnesota United vs Chicago Fire – 4:00 p.m. (ESPN)
ESPN execs chose the most boring game possible for national TV this week.
The Side: Chicago, but it’s gonna end 0-0
D.C. United vs New England Revolution – 6:30 p.m. (ESPN+)
D.C. United falsely imprisoned Pollo.
The Side: New England Revolution
Sporting Kansas City vs Columbus Crew – 7:30 p.m. (ESPN+)
This is the epitome of the Jurassic Park meme.
The Side: A draw
Colorado Rapids vs FC Charlotte – 8:00 p.m. (ESPN+)
Colorado is just good enough to be annoying at the end of the year.
The Side: FC Charlotte
San Jose Earthquakes vs Seattle Sounders – 9:00 p.m. (UniMás/TUDN)
Welcome to the league, Alex Covelo.
The Side: San Jose Earthquakes
Portland Timbers vs Real Salt Lake – 9:00 p.m. (ESPN+)
Both teams dropping points is best for ATX.
The Side: Draw please
L.A. Galaxy vs Nashville SC – 9:30 p.m. (ESPN+)
The eight game road trip ends on the coast for Nashville.
The Side: Be nice, play together, end in a tie
Inter Miami FC vs Atlanta United – 12:00 p.m. (ESPN)
Who keeps scheduling mid-afternoon matches in Miami?!
The Side: Air conditioning
Orlando City vs New York Red Bulls – 2:30 p.m. (ESPN)
Orlando is tied with Austin in the Supporter’s Shield race.
The Side: The team from Jersey that represents New York
New York City FC vs Toronto FC – 4:00 p.m. (ESPN+)
Which baseball stadium is this one in again?
The Side: Let’s go Mets!
FC Cincinnati vs LAFC – 4:00 P.M. (FS1)
LAFC is first in the West and the Supporter’s Shield standings.
The Side: C’mon you Knifey-Lions!
Uncle Tony P.
Uncle Tony P. is a lifelong Austin FC supporter and overall handsome son of a bitch who always has a full supply of mustard on hand for his Verde friends.