Happy Independence Day everyone! A day where Austin FC fans will celebrate our nation breaking away from England by watching the Verde & Black play a sport invented by the English, all while calling it soccer just to piss them off. Good times indeed.
In order for us to properly prepare for tonight’s match, we must first learn about our opponent. So let’s get to know a bit about the boys from DenVERDE.
Colorado Fast Facts
- MLS Debut: 1996
- Nickname: Rapids
- Current Record: 5-7-4 (19 points)
- Finish Last Season: 1st West, Lost in 2nd Round of Playoffs
- Trophies: 1 (2010 MLS Cup)
- Wooden Spoons: 0
- Names You May Know: Bryan Acosta, Gyasi Zardes, Jack Price
- Famous Colorado Folks: Trey Parker, Matt Stone, “Unsinkable” Molly Brown, Dog The Bounty Hunter
What is Colorado’s claim to fame?
There’s a lot of things to choose from here. The mountains. The thin air. The green chili. But I’m gonna go with the affinity for fried testicles, also known as Rocky Mountain Oysters. They’re so prevalent that you can buy them at the damn baseball game! Which begs the question…..
Well apparently, they are tasty to ranchers. Y’all, I’ve eaten a lot of weird shit in my life, including Rocky Mountain Oysters. Take it from your Uncle Tony, there’s a reason these things were meant for the ranch and not the restaurant. Why these damn Colorado folks continue to insist on people eating these things is beyond me.
What is Colorado’s greatest export?
It is undoubtably South Park. The 25-year-old show has somehow stayed relevant, funny, and has grown over time. The show holds a mirror up to our society in ways that others can’t do or refuse to do. I will not shit-talk South Park.
Why did Casa Bonita close?
But I will shit-talk this. Casa Bonita closed several years ago, which should have been a national travesty covered by every major news network, but thankfully the creators of South Park have bought it and are set to re-open the restaurant soon. Oh, you don’t know about Casa Bonita? Let me help you:
I’m sorry. Mediocre Mexican food and a cliff diving show?! How in the fuck did the people of Colorado let this magical place go out of business?!!! You don’t deserve such greatness.
Final Match Day Hate Rating
It’s hard to hate Colorado, especially because DenVERDE was the site of Austin’s first ever goal and win. But alas, we must feel something. So on this Independence Day, there’s only one thing that seems appropriate as a message for the Rapids:
Uncle Tony P.
Uncle Tony P. is a lifelong Austin FC supporter and overall handsome son of a bitch who always has a full supply of mustard on hand for his Verde friends.