This past weekend was a 2-day long Wrestlemania event in “Dallas”. The spandex, the moves, the questionably large bulges, the athleticism, the oiliness. I found myself inspired and pondering what it would look like if each Austin FC player had a unique in-ring name, finishing move, weakness and entrance music. Here’s a few of my favorite concoctions:
Brad Stuver // “Follicle”
Finishing move: “Level 5 Hold”
From his personal stash, he produces a can of strong hold hairspray, which he then uses like bear mace to take down his opponent.
Weakness: The Noogie
Entrance Music: I’m Not Moving By Phil Collins
Nick Lima // “Thai Thighington”
Finishing Move: “Skull Crunch”
His opponent’s head is placed betwixt his thighs, and he simply flexes them until they tap out or die.
Weakness: There are none when your thighs look like this.
Entrance Music: The Sound Effect Of Godzilla’s Massively Toned Lizard Thighs Stomping Through A City.
Dani Pereira // “Chipp O’Tlay”
Finishing Move: “The Burrito Sandwich”
Using two poorly-made Chipotle burritos (presumably from earlier in the week, thus very stale) he smashes them on either side of his opponent’s head for a nearly-instant K.O..
Weakness: Not enough rice.
Entrance Song: The Chipotle Song
Sebastian Driussi // “Designer”
Finishing Move: “Brand Check”
This move can be done one of two ways. It is either a wedgie, executed so he can check the underwear brand of his opponent at eye-level, OR he pulls the collar of their shirt back far enough so he can read the brand name on the tag…while simultaneously choking them.
Weakness: Repeat outfits.
Entrance Music: Dior By Pop Smoke
Diego Fagundez // “The Car Salesman”
Finishing Move: “Deaths Door”
Once he subdues his opponent, he drags them to the parking garage and slams their fingers in the door of a car until they beg for death.
Weakness: Dealerships where all veterans aren’t welcome.
Entrance Music: Like A Rock By Bob Seger
Maxi Urruti // “Butcher”
Finishing Move: “Meat Sweats”
He feeds his opponent tasty meats straight off the grill before challenging them to a fight, wherein they inevitably tap out due to the meat sweats.
Weakness: Hearing someone order their meat “well done”.
Entrance Music: Meat Sweats by Bare Handed Bear Handlers
Bonus Content
Kipp Keller
Kipp Keller is a lover, not a fighter.
Entrance Music: Probably this
Huge thank you to Kerry T. for agreeing to do this many edits for me with one day notice. This article wouldn’t be possible without them.
