Welcome back for part two of our False 9 season preview roundtable. If you missed part one yesterday, you can find it right here.
QUESTION #6
What match are you most looking forward to?
Travis: I love our Eastern conference road trips as they are less frequent. Heading back to Montreal on August 23rd is always a blast, as it’s one of the most cosmopolitan cities in the Western hemisphere and Stade Saputo feels like a Championship ground with scenic views.
Louis: Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced.
Charles: August 9th vs. Houston Dynamo. It’s the first home Copa Tejas match against an in-state rival and as everyone is aware, Josh Wolff’s return to Austin, this time in the visitor’s coaching area. It will be nice to see him waving around his arms and yelling instructions he should have taught the players during the week. At least him not wearing Verde will make sense now.
Pennypacker: For the second time in three years, we’ll be on the road against San Jose for decision day. The 2023 match was a dud, but this year, against Bruce Arena’s new-look Earthquakes, in a place where we’ve never won, with both teams potentially having something to play for? I hate their stadium, but the match should be fun.
Lionel Mutz: April 19th against Carson Galaxy. Those crybully whiners need to be put in their place. No mercy for those clowns. God, I can’t stand them. Endlessly annoying pyramid scheme Frisco big brother ass cringe factory.
Alistair: At LAFC because we owe them several beatings and the afternoon kickoff means I don’t have to stay up past my bed time to watch it.
Uncle Tony P: May 10th at Cincinnati. Might be the first real litmus test to see how good this team really is against the league’s best after having a few months to gel. And it’s Brandon Vazquez’s MLS return to the Queen City. Sign me up.
QUESTION #7
Austin FC’s first team is back in the U.S. Open Cup. How seriously should the club take the competition?
Travis: The club should take the competition seriously, but I can see us losing to San Antonio at home. Why are tickets not sale yet for that match? That’s an epic club failure, but then our FO hasn’t put tickets on sale for Houston away, which is earlier than that.
Louis: That’s a chicken question but reruns of “Felicity” are on and I know better than to interrupt.
Charles: As seriously as possible. It’s the best chance for this club to win a trophy.
Pennypacker: As currently constructed, this is the deepest squad that Austin FC’s ever had, so there should be no excuse to punt on the Open Cup.
Lionel Mutz: We have exorcised the Criquet shirt wearing Spirit of Losing, but the stench of his legacy must still be cleansed. This requires Austin FC to simply not piss the bed in a cup competition that actually matters. Roll out all of our large beautiful sons for every match.
Alistair: It’s our best chance to win a trophy besides Copa Tejas, USOC should be our top priority. In fact, save your blood sacrifices for USOC.
Uncle Tony P: Without question, we should be playing our “A” squad during Open Cup. There’s no Leagues Cup to worry about with regards to stamina, so at most we’re adding 5 total games. This is a very winnable tournament given our roster. Let’s go get some fucking silverware.
QUESTION #8
Does the “sellout streak” make it to the end of the season?
Travis: Sure, and Donald Trump weighs 200 pounds. There is no sellout streak, and to the extent one exists, it will continue.
Louis: The most painful state of being is remembering the future, particularly the one you’ll never have.
Charles: Yes for two reasons
1) Austin should be fun and good this season, and
2) the sellout streak is easily manipulated and Q2’s capacity makes it easier to fudge.
Pennypacker: To the extent that it has ever existed, it will continue to exist.
Lionel Mutz: This is Year 5 of the 100 Year Sellout Streak.
Alistair: We’re all sellouts paying crazy money to Tio Tony, no.
Uncle Tony P: Let’s play two truths and a lie, Verde edition. Your job is to spot the false statement.
- Rodney Redes is tied for an Austin FC record for goals in a single competition.
- Austin FC has a +1 goal differential in MLS play over the last 3 seasons combined.
- Austin FC has legitimately sold out every MLS home match in its existence.
QUESTION #9
On a scale of 1-10, how hilarious is it that Austin still hasn’t played a match at Columbus?
Travis: 9. It can get to a 10 if we play there for the first time in the 10th year of our existence.
Louis: 1. It’s a lovely and underrated town. German Village has excellent comestibles, especially the sausages. Victorian Village is an enchanting neighborhood to live in with charming houses that range from modest structures to full on mansions. The Statehouse will take you down a trip of civic responsibility. Video Central was, for years, the center of haute video culture, but has, alas, succumbed to the tyranny of the digital.
Charles: It’s more hilarious we’re in year 5 and haven’t played the Chicago Fire in MLS play.
Pennypacker: When you realize that we’ve played in three different Canadian provinces but not once in the city of Columbus, it’s a solid 7.5 on the hilarity scale.
Lionel Mutz: From an Austin-observing perspective, it simply saves us from having an away trip in some distant city almost nobody in our wonderful city ever even thinks about (2). From a Columbus-observing perspective, it’s becoming an increasingly hilarious running gag (8). Average: 5
Alistair: Funnier than Anchorman but not quite as funny as Wayne’s World. I’ll say roughly one Tropic Thunder of funny.
Uncle Tony P: It royally pisses Columbus fans off for reasons I’ll never understand and I find that hilarious. Go check out their social media comments around the Crew’s schedule reveal to see it for yourself. At this rate, I hope we never go just so that the joke can continue. Solid 8 on the comedy scale.
QUESTION #10
Austin’s final point total and Western Division placing will be……
Travis: 52 points and 6th in the West
Louis: Being associated with chickens is my entire existence.
Charles: 54 points. Fourth behind Seattle, LAFC, and a surprise team.
Pennypacker: 49 points, 7th in the West
Lionel Mutz: 56 points and 3rd in the West. Chef Rodo has truly cooked.
Alistair: 69 points, first place (Editor’s Note: NICE!)
Uncle Tony P: 51 points. Historical data says that should be good for 5th in the West.
Uncle Tony P.
Uncle Tony P. is a lifelong Austin FC supporter and overall handsome son of a bitch who always has a full supply of mustard on hand for his Verde friends.