The False Nine decided to make our yearly group away trip to Cincinnati this season. And even though we have no idea when Austin FC will play here next (outside of it being before we play in Colombus) this is a travel guide we put together of things to do and see for your next visit to the Queen City.
After arriving we realized that the top thing “To Do” on our list was surprisingly close: Ark Encounter, which for those of you who don’t know, is a remarkable piece of engineering, a fully life size re-creation of Noah’s Ark from the Bible. It even features dinosaurs as part of the “animals 2×2.” The tickets were $65 for a day (the group debated getting the 3-day Pass for a bargain at $125), and allowed us to see their interesting and thought provoking views on the world and how a real life Flintstones may look. Ultimately we had to leave earlier than we wanted, maybe the next time Austin plays Cincinnati we can allot more time for this spectacle.
Feeling inspired and hopeful we had to visit Big Butter Jesus, which sadly was not made of Butter but styrofoam and actually called “King of Kings.” It’s part of a megachurch in Monroe, Cleveland. They’re currently on the 2.0 version because the first was struck by lightning and destroyed previously, and definitely shouldn’t draw any conclusions about what that would mean if God is vengeful. It’s still a wonder to see and in no way a sign that churches have too much money and should be taxed more.
For food we made a choice early on: every meal is Skyline. As all of you can see, there’s a lot of locations so you’re never that far away from having that sweet chili sauce as an option for sustenance. Whether it’s on a Coney, or one of many ways, it was the only thing we ate for the entire weekend. No regrets, except for Turd, who ended up being aptly named for this aspect of the trip.
Next up was a road trip to the Hell is Real sign, a mere 83 miles from Cincinnati, which is of course the basis of the rivalry between Columbus and Cincinnati. At this point of the journey Louis had to admire all of what one man can do with some wood, nails, screws, and an equal amount of religious belief and too much time on their hands.
We opted to spend an entire afternoon at Belterra Park, a horse racing track and casino, which is a benefit to being in Ohio. Travis, Turd, Uncle Tony P, Louis, and I hung around the paddock along with Andrea, enjoying the beautiful skies and watching such majestic beasts run around the track and compete. Then, we saw something that made us more excited than I can put into words: There was a horse in a race named Superwolf, and since it was a race where the horses were available for sale, I am pleased to announce that the False 9 now owns a horse. Everyone suggested names, including “AustinHasMustaaard” “SuperWolff” and “Pedro” with the second choice being the clear winner.
With the horse safely at a barn upstate somewhere, and still in racing form, we have to end our trip the lovely city of Cincinnati (and a match we don’t want to discuss). So the next time you’re unfortunate enough to visit Ohio, now you know what to do.