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The False Nine Texas Is Expanding!

Posted on July 19, 2022July 19, 2022 by Alistair Dennis

We’re Now The False Nine Texas (of Canada too, eh?)

         Most of you have heard that our sister publication, The Striker Texas, has expanded to California (Don’t Texas our California?) But did you know The False Nine has also recently opened a new office in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada, The World?

         Edmonton is home to many attractions, from pubs, to clubs, to the ancient Japanese art of Karaoke! But not Keely Jones. The best we can do is Bill Ranford (it was common for hockey players in the 80s to be Meese) and some other guy (also pictured; Canada has yet to get HD) no one has ever heard of.

         The office is focused on Alberta, which is apparently the Texas of Canada. It’s home to oil fields, conservatism bordering on caricature, and Jordan Peterson, who let’s be fair is better than Ken Paxton.

         We’ve begun coverage of Edmonton FC (Pictured below), a team noted for their direct style and absolute lack of technical quality, not unlike either of our recently vanquished Copa Tejas foes. Manager Alan Koch has put together a rag tag bunch of mad lads, notably False Nine Striker of Texas of Canada Tobias Warchewski, who season ticket holder Erick Patrickson described as, “A big fucker at forward, but also good at set pieces, ya hoser”. Lyrical poetry indeed Erick.

         We were given a more substantive interview from Welsh transplant Pitwick Wagons. “Luke Singh and Shamit Shome are solid vets who make up the spine of the team; the real key is Wesley Tomas Lanca Timoteo, right assist machine that lad is.” We Googled these names and apparently these are not only all real people, but Pitwick seems up on his Edmonton FC lore. We’ve since offered him a job tending to the False Nine Texas of Canada’s versions of chickens, the Canada Gooses. “We have a great history, but we’re last in the league,” came Pitwick’s last coherent transmission, everything since then has been a series of honks and innuendo about our mothers.

         The False Nine Texas of Canada looks forward to more dispatches from the Great White North and we look to expand into Nunavut, Prince Edward Island, Nova Scotia, and other soccer hotbeds. Please stay tuned.

         …….We should really check on Pitwick.

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