It’s February and you know what that means…….
(Reminder: Texas was, in fact, not yet back.)
After a long, and quite frankly much needed off-season, it’s time for our beloved boys in Verde to kick-off year number four of the 100 Year War (copyright: MOC, LLC). I have once again rounded up my False 9 colleagues for a special season preview to bring you, our loyal, highest tiered Jellyfish plan subscribers, a sneak peak into our thoughts before Match Day 1 this Saturday.
Question 1: So uh, how excited are you for the season?
Travis McTravelface: Well, it’s better to have a season than not have one…
Andrea Provolone: TBH I think we need a longer off season. Between the ungodly heat, the shitty egos in the fan base who would do anything besides get therapy, and the way the season shook out, I am only excited if someone can PROMISE ME the vibes are going to be better.
Charles Peacock: I’m incredibly excited! La Murga is back. The chickens are ready. New giveaways to rank. And a new kit that looks incredible!
Turd Verdeson: Very excited to get back to McKalla. I have no comment on the team.
Uncle Tony P.: I’m excited that there’s another season, which in MLS terms, means we have actual hope again. Thus far the roster moves that new Sporting Director Rodolfo Borrell has made have largely been smart, budget friendly, and leave a lot of flexibility for the summer window. We’ll need a LOT of luck to stay healthy because the depth on this team appears underwhelming on paper.
Which means I’m basically Jessie Spannow when it comes to the season.
Question 2: Chef Rodo is apparently cooking. Do we have any idea what the final dish will be?
Travis McTravelface: It will be a paella. It will be very good. It just takes a long time to cook.
Andrea Provolone: At this point I kind of think it is Ramen noodles, but they’re unseasoned because he lost the packet. Will be happy to upgrade to a Lean Cuisine when I see more evidence.
Charles Peacock: I’m unsure of the exact dish, but the review would include the phrase “Terrible flavor and such a small portion”
Turd Verdeson: I have no reason (yet) not to trust his long-term plan. But so far, this ain’t even Chef Boyardee.
Uncle Tony P.: Something Justin Wilson would cook. Do I know what I’m looking at or how it’s pronounced? Fuck no. Is it gonna be delicious when it’s done? I guar-ron-tee!
Question 3: Can this current roster stay afloat in the playoff race long enough for reinforcements to arrive in the summer?
Travis McTravelface: I think it will be testing the limits of that line, but yes, by a hair.
Andrea Provolone: Anything is possible when you camp outside the opposing team’s hotel and light off fireworks from dusk until dawn.
Charles Peacock: Only if they have slain the groin demon (and any other injury demons). It’s a thin roster from a team that wasn’t good last season. Barring breakout performances from some of the called up Austin FC 2 players the bench options are ugly.
Turd Verdeson: LOL
Uncle Tony P.: I think so. This team, despite being pretty damn bad last year, was around the playoff line until mid-September while fighting a plethora of injuries. No CONCACAF Champions this year means a little extra rest early in the season. We’ve upgraded the bench at striker, winger, and left back. And with Alex Ring seemingly back in his preferred midfield role, I see no reason why Austin can’t hang around the 8/9 seed and make a late run after the summer window.
Question 4: The player I’m most excited about this season is…….
Travis McTravelface: Jader Obrian. His speed on the wing will be fun to watch.
Andrea Provolone: Me. (Surprise!) I didn’t want you to find out this way, but I got signed for 6 cans of cheese wiz and a couple boxes of wheat thins in the off season. I’m here to help, y’all!
Charles Peacock: CJ Fodrey! I’m looking forward to seeing our first call up be part of the regular roster after what he’s shown at FC 2 and in preseason. He could be the kind of direct winger/crosser the team has been lacking.
Turd Verdeson: Dani Pereira. Honorable Mention for Damian Las on loan.
Uncle Tony P.: Leo Vaisanen. We only saw glimpses of his ability last year thanks to injuries. But what we saw has the potential to be elite in this league.
Question 5: What game are you most looking forward to this year?
Travis McTravelface: Away to Toronto since I love Canada.
Andrea Provolone: Whichever one will get us closest to the vibes of the Pollo Miracle game in DC or the FC Frisco playoff game at home.
Charles Peacock: The opener. Minnesota United doesn’t have a full-time coach still and their best player was a brief camp hold out, but I can’t blame him for not wanting to be in Minnesota in the winter.
Turd Verdeson: The one where we win Copa Tejas again.
Uncle Tony P.: The same ones I’m always dreading: San Jose. You have no idea how badly I want to beat that clown show for the first time.
Question 6: Austin drew Monterrey and Pumas UNAM in this year’s Leagues Cup. Describe your reaction to the draw in one gif.
Travis McTravelface
Andrea Provolone
Charles Peacock
Turd Verdeson
Uncle Tony P.
Question 7: What is Austin FC’s floor and ceiling this year?
Travis McTravelface: Floor is Wooden Spoon.
Ceiling is Western Conference Semifinals after a major mid-season roster transformation.
Andrea Provolone: Floor: pluckers free wings coupons (the norm)
Ceiling: yeti cup giveaway (means we made it to the playoffs)
Charles Peacock: The floor is winning the wooden spoon.
The ceiling is winning MLS Cup after a huge number of reinforcements come in during the summer.
Turd Verdeson: Floor = wooden spoon
Ceiling = one point more than 2023
Uncle Tony P.: Floor is definitely our first Anthony Precourt Memorial Wooden Spoon.
Ceiling is a U.S. Open Cup victory. Mediocre teams win that thing all of the time. Why not us?!
Question 8: Does the home sellout streak end in 2024?
Travis McTravelface: Yes, by June
Andrea Provolone: It ended last year but the front office would rather give the SS free water on a 118° day than let anybody find that out.
Charles Peacock: The actual sellout streak probably ended last season; the announcements however will continue.
Turd Verdeson: It already ended. Maybe not according to the FO’s funny accounting, but we know the truth.
Uncle Tony P.: The “official” streak ends on Wednesday, May 29th. The real one ended in the middle of July last year.
Question 9: Who has more points at the end of the year: Austin FC or Austin FC II?
Travis McTravelface: Austin FC II
Andrea Provolone: Austin FC cuz FC II just loaned out Las
Charles Peacock: Austin FC, but that’s more based on the belief Rodo is going to have a younger Austin FC 2 team that isn’t as ready to compete.
Turd Verdeson: II
Uncle Tony P.: Austin FC. I don’t think people have fully come around to the concept yet that FCito, while awesome to attend and follow, is going to have major turnover every year. Predicting their success on an annual basis will be like picking lottery numbers.
Question 10: What day does Josh Wolff get fired?
Travis McTravelface: With Rodo’s roster moves, Josh gets another contract by June of 2025 extending him through 2028.
Andrea Provolone: Never. The boys club lives on untouched forever.
Charles Peacock: April 31
Turd Verdeson: The day after the 2025 season ends.
Uncle Tony P.: Sunday, May 26th. We’ll have just lost to San Jose, again, and the European League season will be over. If Austin isn’t at least showing some sign of life, Rodo will make his move then. I have my bottle of champagne ready.
Uncle Tony P.
Uncle Tony P. is a lifelong Austin FC supporter and overall handsome son of a bitch who always has a full supply of mustard on hand for his Verde friends.