At Austin FC, we are lucky to have sold out every match at McKalla so far. For many other teams across the league, the glass isn’t even half full. As a result, we wanted to offer some unsolicited advice on ways for some clubs across the league to increase their attendance. We’ll go in order of Austin FC’s schedule this year and then add in some more clubs for fun.
San Jose Earthquakes (QuakeCoin Day): We know that cryptocurrencies are all the rage in Silicon Valley these days. Therefore, the Earthquakes should create their own cryptocurrency called QuakeCoin (yes, we know QuakeCoin apparently exists, because of course it exists). The value of QuakeCoin is directly correlated to the amount of shithousery that the Quakes produce on the pitch. Since the Quakes led the league in that category last year, you know the crypto bros will be rushing into PayPal Park to get their hands on some QuakeCoins. We also assume there will be a follow up NFT night to keep these fans coming back for more.
DC United (Congress Race): Even with a centrally located stadium at Audi Field, DC United is struggling to sell tickets. Next door at Nationals Park, they have a Presidents race at every game. We are proposing that DC United institutes a halftime Congress race with the most polarizing members of Congress and allows live betting on the outcomes now that sports betting is legal in the nation’s capital. Wouldn’t it be fun to see Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez racing against Rep. Marjorie Taylor-Greene and Senator Bernie Sanders dashing off against Senator Ted Cruz? Sprint to Cancun? We could have so much fun with the jokes and prop bets here. Heck, maybe the members themselves will occasionally show up instead of their mascots.
Houston Dynamo (High School Band Night): Even with their recent signing of Hector Herrera, no one is lining up to fill those orange seats in downtown Houston. Since we know how much the Houston Dynamo fans respect talented, non-violent musicians, we thought they should invite every band from a high school in Harris County. Along with their parents and friends, they may actually fill up the stadium and we know those bands will sound way better than El Battalion.
Real Salt Lake (Slopes Day): Utah always claims to have the best snow on Earth. While I haven’t seen all of the snow in the world, there are a ton of ski resorts within an easy drive of Salt Lake City. For a winter or spring match, ticket holders will get 10% off per goal on their next ski lift ticket at any Northern Utah ski resort. While we don’t think RSL is putting up any 5 star nights anytime soon with their anemic attack (unlike our guys in verde), hitting the slopes for cheaper should get some more fans in the doors at the RioT.
Los Angeles Galaxy (South Bay Pride Day): Despite having Chicharito, there are often tons of empty seats at Dignity Health Sports Park. I personally preferred when it was called the StubHub Center as visiting fans would pack the building, especially for the seasons when the Chargers played there. Since LAFC has co-opted the Los Angeles branding, by oh, playing in the city of Los Angeles (what a novel concept). To connect with the local community in Carson and the South Bay, the Galaxy should be rebranded as the South Bay Galaxy for the match. They can give discounts with people with zip codes in the South Bay and bring in some local food trucks to provide a more suburban flair to the match rather than trying to emulate those city dwellers up the road in LA. Maybe, they’ll discover some new fans through this identity.
FC Dallas (Boomer Sooner Night): Since we know Frisco is closer to Winstar and Choctaw than decent portions of the Metroplex, we thought FC Dallas should have a celebration of all things Oklahoma. They can start with having the Sooner Wagon lead the players onto the pitch and maybe it will derail like the Pepi train has in Augsburg. Considering there are more Sooner alums in the Metroplex than in California or Colorado (their next two highest states), we think this night would actually be a great ticket seller in Frisco and may even rival having a Willie Nelson concert in the stadium to get fans to actually show up in exurbia between downtown Dallas and southern Oklahoma.
Vancouver Whitecaps (Canada Nice Day): Despite tarping off the upper deck at BC Place, there are frequently many empty seats in the arena. To fill these seats, the Whitecaps marketing teams should go around Metro Vancouver finding the nicest people in the region. By honouring them at halftime and allowing them to bring a group of friends, fellow Canucks will want to pack BC Place to celebrate the nicest people in the region. What is more Canadian than that, eh?
New England Revolution (Revolution Series): Lifting up a Supporter’s Shield isn’t enough to get fans to make the long schlep out to Foxboro. While commuter rail service on game days from Providence and Boston (like the Pats have) would be nice, we think the Revolution could do more than just have minutemen and their muskets to honor the American Revolution at their games. They should host a series of Revolutionary nights at Foxboro. Maybe give out a free slice of cake on French Revolution Night or free oranges to celebrate Ukraine’s Orange Revolution. There is no doubt that the marketing geniuses in Foxboro could fill a full season’s worth of revolutionary promotions from around the world to get more fans through the gates of Kraft’s kingdom.
Chicago Fire (Fire Reenactment Night): Soldier Field has way too many seats for the Chicago Fire and frankly for the Chicago Bears considering how they are playing these days. To fit in with the club theme, they should burn down a section of the upper deck after one of the matches this year. Come on, you know watching a live fire from a safe distance (they would have to clear fans out of one end of the stadium like baseball teams do in the outfield for post game fireworks shows) would be more entertaining than most fireworks shows. At least this fire wouldn’t burn down the whole city like the Great Fire of 1871 as we assume the Fire would have professional firefighters on hand. Maybe the fire fighters will use some of their new WaterTower kits to put out the fire.
Inter Miami (Gator Alley): Inter Miami’s struggles to build a new stadium, well actually in Miami, unlike in the northern suburbs of Fort Lauderdale, have been well documented. As they build their new stadium, we are going to recommend a feature rather than a promotion. The Jacksonville Jaguars and Arizona Diamondbacks have put pools in their stadium and heck the Minor League baseball team in Frisco put a lazy river in the outfield. Inter Miami should go to the logical next step and put an alligator habitat behind one of the goals. It would be hilarious to see the gators chomping down on the balls every time Gonzalo Higuain shanks another shot. It would also be more entertaining than watching the current Inter Miami side surrender goals from all angles.
New York Red Bulls (Pamplona Day): The Red Bulls recently started selling $10 tickets to college students to try to fill up the arena. While that’s a good idea, an even better idea would be to take their mascot and make it a bit more real. After one match (because let’s face it, this idea is going to destroy the pitch), the Red Bulls should bring in a large bull, give that bull a bunch of Red Bull, and see how the Running of the Bulls Jersey style goes. I am not sure how many people would actually participate in the running here but I am sure there are some brave souls in Jersey that would want to be part of this history making event.
NYCFC (Yankees Day): Since baseball is now back, let’s fact it, more people want to see the New York Yankees than the current MLS Cup holders in NYCFC. So let’s give them the New York Yankees playing the beautiful game at Yankee Stadium. BolaVIP designed these stunning Yankees football kits (they are Nike, which automatically means they are better than any current MLS kits), and who doesn’t want to see Aaron Judge as a center back? Maybe they could have a New York Derby against the Mets since NYCFC is playing a bunch of home games at Citi Field this year. But the true wildcard would be having the Yankees play the UConn football team as NYCFC is playing their CONCACAF Champions League home matches up in East Hartford.
Columbus Crew (Jackhammer Day): Despite opening up a new stadium in urban Columbus, Lower.com Field has already seen insane promotions like 1000 season tickets given away to people refinancing their mortgages. One trademark of the Lower.com Field is the 3 jackhammers drilling away after every Crew goal. Instead of limiting it to 3 jackhammers, why not give everyone a jackhammer in the stadium? It’s probably cheaper than refinancing a mortgage and it would finally give Columbus a loud home field advantage. I would hate to be there for that match, but I am sure jackhammer nation would show up to support their guys with their new free toys.