As many of you are aware, The False Nine periodically has mailbags where we solicit questions via our Twitter fan base and answer them. This particular question deserves more than just a response as part of an article, it deserves an entire article due to not only its genius, but also that it resulted in a full argument at the TF9 Compound.
Before we get into our staff picks, let’s clarify a few rules:
1) Every player is cloned into 11 total players, which means that player also has to play in goal, as fans of when a team has to use a field player in goal, this is like a dream;
2) The players are their current versions of self and abilities (I.e. they can’t be aged up or down);
3) We are a site that focuses on authenticity and conviction, so instead of using fifteen teams, we went with ten because these are written by people who staunchly believe what they are saying;
Without any further ado, here are our staff picks.
Louis Ludivico – Freddy Kleeman
Freddy Kleeman is an obvious choice and I’ll tell you why. I think back to the swashbuckling USMNT 1998 World Cup squad. Our fearless head coach, Steve Sampson, was a master strategist. Adding David Regis and Brian Maisonneuve to the roster at the very last minute was galaxy brain level management. Yes, they had both played for their clubs and some film was available to study, but they were essentially unknowns. No one knew what they might do. No one knew how to prepare. Brilliant. My 11 Freddies will run roughshod over any team, just as our boys did in Paris, Lyon, and Nantes that epochal summer.
Turd Verdeson – Sebastian Driussi
Sebastián waited for the kick. He was calm. Confident. How many times he’d stood here—surveying the opponents’ positions, studying the expression of each player. Before a minute was played, his mind would have already simulated thousands of scenarios, memorizing the distortions of space a through ball into each area would cause; the gaps an errant clearance header would create.Fans and media would gush about impeccable technique, his glide, the supreme style of it all. They were right to do it. But Sebastián Driussi always seemed a few steps ahead of the play because he alone had already seen each movement play out.But this time was different. This time he was not studying the team across the halfway line. Sebastián glanced at each of the ten other Sebastiáns and allowed himself a smile. It was going to be a good night.
H. E. Pennybacker – Julio Cascante
All praise for our short kings, but there’s no way I’m playing two diminutive guys at Center Back, even if they were as massively talented as Driussi. Sure, MLS lists Driussi’s height at 5’10”, but I’ve stood next to the man and he maybe clears 5’8″ with boots on. So give me a team of Cascantes. I know that Julio’s not particularly fast, he’s not particularly young, and occasionally it seems like he’s not particularly good at knowing the fundamental tenets of CB play. But the stats love him, and have loved him for a while. He’s solid in the air, serviceable with the ball at his feet, and knows how to score goals. Plus, Ruben Gabrielsen is one of his staunchest supporters, and I would never dream of disagreeing with Ruben Gabrielsen about anything.
Charles Peacock – Alex Ring
It’s been said before that a soccer team requires an equal number of artists and soldiers, but that’s bullshit. What if your artists were also soldiers, like former Drill Sargent Bob Ross.
Alex Ring is that player. He combines offense: currently fifth on the team in goals (most of any non-attacking player), and fifth in assists, with defense: he leads Austin FC in most tackles and most tackles won. A balanced team in an imbalanced league, this is the team that wins.
Allistair Dennis – Jon Gallagher
Jon Gallagher, the Irish Dirk Kuyt, is a Jack of all trades. He’s scored the first ever goal at Q2, played both sides of MF, both wings, and both fullback positions. He has constant and unlimited drive. He’s fast. Gally at sweeper keeper and 3x across the back line (we’re playing a 3-4-3) means we can compress the forward portion of the field with no defensive fragility on the counter. We don’t have to worry about lack of height defending crosses since they’ll all be closed down beforehand. We’re versatile and completely two footed in Gally-land allowing a Total Football flow no other clone army can match. We have goals, we have D, we have progression, we have versatility, we have abs.
Tommy Pokes – Ruben Gabrielsen
A centerback who’s come up with big, game-winning goals on the road? He has a crazy goal celebration, and we can expedite him hitting the six goal threshold he set for explaining its significance by playing him at all 11 positions. I imagine he sees himself a lot like Polyphemus, the cyclops son of Poisedon, who also happens to be a huge fan of smoked fish.
Uncle Tony P. – Diego Fagundez
My logic here is simple. You need a player that is a Swiss-Army Knife and can do a lot of different things.
Need wingers? Diego
Need someone to play the 8 or 10? Diego
Need someone who has the speed to transition to fullback? Diego
Also, given his all-time MLS standing, Diego assisting a goal to himself makes perfect sense.
Travis McTravelface – Owen Wolff
Sure, is Owen Wolff the best player at any single position for Austin FC? No. Is Owen Wolff, the only player on this team who can feel confident playing all field positions? Yes. While he might struggle a bit in goal, his marginal value of improvement over most other players at their positions gives Owen a leg up. Additionally, Owen will continue to get better as he ages, so I feel confident that a team of 11 Teen Wolffs would be a strong Austin FC side.
La Sticky Gallardo – Dani Pereira
There’s an old saying here in Austin that goes a little something like this: “No Dani, no party.” Every time Verde fans have counted him out, he has delivered. He will not be benched, he will not be ignored! Now, with the puppy formerly known as Charles Dickens by his side, he is unstoppable. He is the main character, whether you like it or not. He deserves this.
Andrea Provolone – Brad Stuver
Does it make sense to have 11 goalies? Not a chance. Am I playing by the assumed rules of this prompt? Absolutely not, but I thrive on creating and embracing chaos just to feel something. Having an entire field of Stuvers would basically guarantee your opponent never scores on you. Sure, you may not score yourself, but if you never technically LOSE…chaos! Also if it was a game at Q2, the decibel level of “STUUUU” every time one of them touched the ball would create an environment so disorienting, one of the Stuver clones might have a chance at scoring
No, we didn’t come to a conclusion, it was a ten way deadlock because no one refused to back down from their opinion and vote for another player. That’s why we are going to leave it up to you, the fans in Twitter polls that are will be running this week.