A Declaration of Verdependence

* Co-published by Louis de Ludovico

When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the coaching bands which have connected them with another, and to assume, among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the laws of nature and of soccer’s Gods entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of Supporters requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all football Supporters are created equal, that they are endowed with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Joy, Community, and the pursuit of Trophies—That to secure these Rights, Clubs are instituted and Managers appointed, such managers deriving their just power from the approval of the Supporters, and of the Players selected—That whenever any Manager becomes destructive of these Ends, it is the Right of the Supporters to alter or to abolish it, and to insist upon the installment of a new Manager, whose principles and powers shall take such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Joy, Community, and Trophies.

Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Managers long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that Supporters are more disposed to suffer, while failures are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the Manager to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of derelictions and malpractices, pursuing invariably the same failures, evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Incompetence, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Manager, and to provide new Champions for their future Joy.—Such has been the patient sufferance of these Verdes; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Management. The history of the present Wolff of McKalla is a history of obstinance and scapegoating, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny of Failure over these Supporters. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

He has inflicted upon these Supporters—and indeed the wider World—a persistent Horseshoe of Sadness.

He has refused to accept any responsibility whatever for these many Failures, preferring to invent, several times each season, a new turn of phrase to shift blame to his players.

He has instituted a prohibition on opportunistic tactics proven effective in the modern game, whereby upon by his order any opportunity of attack hasty in appearance is customarily throttled to suffocation.

He has habitually condescended to fans and media—after results both bad and good—even in the face of the most reasonable and customary questioning.

He has failed to inspire his Players, by delivering unmotivating and predictable speeches and downplaying rivalries.

He has consistently dropped points at McKalla, despite the advantages provided by the Supporters and facility.

He has repeatedly denigrated the importance of great Copa Tejas—the only trophy he has ever won.

He has favored his cronies over others with better form and more modern ideas, and persists in cavorting with Gregg Berhalter, a manager so inept that he is more famous for his footwear and for bouncing the ball with his hands than for his results on the pitch.

He has besmirched the good name of two most revered Saints J(h)ohan: Cruyff and Romaña.

He has allowed the trade of Austin FC Legend Kamal Miller before he ever arrived in the City.

He has more often than not failed to secure enough points for the Club to reach the playoffs, the requirement to reach such milestone already having been set unreasonably low in accordance with Major League Soccer’s desire to continue being regarded as a clown organization.

In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Manager whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant of Failure, is unfit to be the Manager of any free Club.

Nor have we been wanting in our attentions to our Club and its owners and officers. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable failure over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our love for Club and City.  We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these failing practices, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.

We therefore, the Supporters of Austin FC, in The False Nine, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judges of the soccer world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by the Authority of the good People of McKalla, solemnly publish and declare, That these Verdes are, and of Right ought to be Free and independent from Josh Wolff; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to his reign, and that all managerial connection between them and Josh Wolff, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent Verdes, they have full Power to levy rhetorical War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent Supporters may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration with a firm reliance on the protection of the Soccer Gods, we mutually pledge to each other our voices and our fortunes. Verde Hasta La Muerte.

A modern-day translation:

Josh Wolff Out. Now!