Hello readers, I am going to start by apologizing for the lack of full articles centered around the chicken’s predictions, but after our successful prediction last weekend I wanted to update everyone on a very special treat for everyone: a Road Trip to Houston, Texas and Shell Energy Stadium.
The 2:40ish minute drive time would give us ample time to think about this match as everyone settled into the official False Nine Vehicle: a Tesla Cybertruck.
I’m sure some of you are wondering why we would need such a vehicle on the Compound, and it’s exactly for road trips like this one. It’s spacious, has a useful truck bed, and it has a range of well within what we need to make the trip to Houston on one charge, well, we assumed so based on the literature as this was our first time making this trip since the purchase.
As some of you may be aware, this vehicle has had a lot of issues which has led to all 3878 of them to be recalled, because of all things, the accelerator can get stuck in the “pressed down” position, which causes them to constantly accelerate. A fairly normal thing for most drivers when they’re between Austin and Houston. So we set off on a full battery and an audio version of “Soccer against the Enemy” by Simon Kuper.
Unfortunately, the only thing with less battery life than a Cybertruck is the Austin FC offense,
Fortunately for us the Tesla factory is on the way to the stadium, so we set the auto drive there and sat back, enjoying a tale about how the sport we love has expanded and grown.
Unfortunately, our auto drive was not as accurate as we needed and we weren’t able to take control quickly enough so we crashed into the factory itself.
Fortunately as they sought to get rid of us and the chickens, who were eying Elon in a way he was clearly uncomfortable with, they gave us a brand new Cybertruck off the lot.
Finally on the road we learned a surprising fact. After Houston stole the San Jose Earthquakes, the original name was Houston 1836, which was scrapped due to protests from Mexican and Mexican-American fans and eventually settled on Houston Dynamo. They were so named per former Team President Chris Canetti because “Houston’s the energy capital of the world. Dynamo’s a word that represents energy, movement, pace, and quickness.”
Unfortunately, “Dynamo” has a long history in soccer, mostly due to being the name for teams under Communist Russia…operated by their secret police.
Just as we were learning about this fact, and amidst an open discussion about the benefits of communism, capitalism, proto-anarchism, and a hybrid of all three systems, we decided to pull over in Giddings for the Wendish Museum. The Wendish settled in Texas due to religious persecution, and it helped us continue our discussions of politics, religion, and how the two in many cases intertwine while we started to have a perfect road trip snack: Wendish noodles. We were able to cook them by setting a pot next to the Cybertruck and due to the reflection of sun off of it, the water quickly came to a boil.
This sustained us until we made our way down to I-10, stopping at Hruska’s, a favored Kolache place (and to be controversial, better than anything in West, TX or West Texas). At this point we realized the battery was nearly out again, and seeing as how we barely made half the trip, we did what we thought was most reasonable, calling up Elon and threatening to bring the chickens back if a new Cybertruck wasn’t sent to meet us.
Unfortunately we immediately ran the new Cybertruck through a carwash, which…makes it inoperable. Not wanting to tempt fate by asking Elon for yet another vehicle we hitched a ride with a kindly chicken farmer who took us the rest of the way to the stadium. We decided to take this as a sign, three cybertrucks failed and none succeeded.
Austin FC – 0 Houston Secret Police – 3