Throughout the first few years Austin FC has been around, their brand partnerships have been mostly mild and predictable considering the city we live in. The supporters usually remain neutral to corporate sponsorships, understanding the part that it plays in the big picture. (Except for Chevron. Fuck Chevron. Fuck that partnership. Fuck whoever suggested it, whoever green lighted it, and whoever signed on the dotted line.)
Just this afternoon, while doing my usual rounds of examining Austin FC website source code for clues, I came upon some interesting discoveries. It would appear as if the club is partnering with several new corporations that are yet to be announced.
Fleshlight
Nothing says “leave your chud energy at home” quite like giving our small, but vocal population of toxic supporter section dudes an opportunity to finally get laid within the comfort of their own home! This incredibly intuitive sponsorship will be sure to finally give us the silence we’ve all been craving anytime we make a post in support of basic human rights. Thanks Austin FC!
FTX
Yooooo, ATX meet FTX!!! This on the rise tech city deserves an on the rise tech app! Did I say tech? I meant crypto! Are you aware that crypto is the cash of the future? Nothing says grow your investments and up your chances of getting to own a home quite like investing in SBF’s legal defense f…er…crypto!
Monsanto
Are you aware that Monsanto essentially owns damn near all of the farmers in the United States, so we’ve already been eating Monsanto products with little choice in the matter since long before we knew what Monsanto was? Exactly! So why not join us in also being forced to accept high dollar marketing with the aim of reinventing company reputation? A health food city like Austin, Texas deserves a health food company like Monsanto!
Goop
And in case you didn’t fall for the previous post, you’re going to want a good detox program. Austin FC could not have chosen a better brand for detox of the mind, gut and vagina quite like a goop! Gwyneth Paltrow wishes you well!
These posts obviously are all in good fun. Right? We agree that this is all in good fun? That if you grab something that doesn’t belong to you, barely tweak it and post it on your socials, we can grab something that doesn’t belong to us, barely tweak it and post it on ours…and it’s all in good fun? K cool.
Disclaimer
In case it wasn’t extremely obvious, everything in this article is fake, satire, bullshit, for the lols, etc. We are in no way affiliated with Austin FC, Monsanto, goop, Fleshlight or FTX and they are in no way affiliated with each other (yet?). But you knew that if you were reading The False Nine. Right?
Promise me right now you know that The False Nine dabbles in satire…
Right, FootyHeadlines?
