Sports are beautiful. They are not just competitions between cities, countries, or random groups of people who show up at a field at a particular time, they are life and art. They provide stories of inspiration and the wonder of unique moments, the joys of victory and of being around thousands of your closest friends all united in your support of your team.
They’re also terrible for our mental health, and by they I mean the current version of Austin FC. A team with a conference worst xGD and an offense that can best be compared to an army without gunpowder. They managed only one shot on goal on Saturday while facing Zach Steffen, who is having the worst season of any MLS goalkeeper, who got to record a shutout for his “effort.”
In short, is this team worth watching? This author isn’t sure, and for those of you looking for an alternative…I’d like to offer one:
Escape to Victory! (or just Victory) is a movie released in 1981 that stars Sylvester Stallone, Michael Caine, and Pele. The brief synopsis is that a Nazi officer decides to pit a German all-star XI against POWs in an exhibition soccer match. The POWs plan to use it to escape into occupied France, but they realize the match is more than just a match, it’s the embers of Victoire.
The team of POWs gets put together and is player coached by Michael Caine, including stars of the time Pele, Bobby Moore, and Osvaldo Ardiles. Sylvester Stallone wants to get on the team to use it as a cover for his eventual escape and he takes over at goalkeeper because its the only position someone as unathletic as Stallone could convincingly pull off.
Pele also gives a perfect tactical analysis of how Denis Bouanga will run through the Austin FC defense tonight.
The match is played in Paris and the plan is to get the players to leave at Halftime using the Parisian sewer sytem, but something strange happens as they’re playing. The French crowd gets behind them and the players abandon the plan to leave at halftime and convince Stallone to stay, realizing that the match, and the hope it will provide to the occupied French is more important than their own escape. Their efforts on the pitch win over the Nazi officer who put the match together, played by Max Von Sydow, whose evil Nazi heart grows two sizes thanks to an overhead goal by Pele.
This wonderful goal ties the game at 4-4, despite how (and I’m sure everyone is shocked by this) the Nazis played not just dirty football of trying to injure the players, but a bias referee as well. At the end a penalty is given to the Nazis where Stallone, and I really can’t say enough to how unathletic he looks, manages to save it. The crowd rushes onto the field in joyous celebration and helps the players escape.
Escape to Victory! is currently available to buy or rent on AppleTV, Prime Video, YouTube, and Google Home.