Hello Austin FC faithful (because let’s be honest, that’s all who is left this season). As Austin are coming off a 2-1 loss to Toronto FC Saturday and take on LAFC at BMO Stadium (where Austin have lost their last three matches by a combined score of 8-0) and will be without three contributors (Sebastian Driussi, Brendon Hines-Ike, and Jhohan Valencia) we here at The False Nine are going to advocate for something (again).
You don’t have to watch this match. It’s on a school night, it starts late, and it’s exceedingly unlikely Austin FC gets a result here. At this point it’s time to acknowledge that this is a lost season and that besides seeing all of your fellow Verde friends, there isn’t a lot to care about through October 19.
In an era where there are a growing number of streaming options that cause analysis paralysis, I am set to advocate for the Amanda Bynes and Channing Tatum classic: She’s The Man.
The movie, based on some guy named Shakespeare’s play Twelfth Night centers on Viola Hastings (played by Amanda Bynes), a HS soccer star, who faces an immediate problem in her goal to play for the North Carolina Tar Heels Women’s team: her HS, Cromwell, cuts the girl’s team. The Manager of the boy’s team doesn’t allow her to join their team so she’s stuck with no way to try and earn her scholarship…
Except!
Her twin brother, Sebastian, is sent to a new boarding school (Illyria) because he’s a bad boy who skips school and is in a band, going off to London to tour instead of attending said boarding school. So Olivia decides the best way to further her soccer career is to pose as Sebastian and play soccer as one of the boys.
Yes, this plan is flawed, mostly because why would the UNC women’s team recruit from a boy’s HS team, but that’s a plot hole that lies solely at the feet of Billy Shakespeare, who clearly didn’t do any research about soccer recruiting.
As I’m sure you can guess, Viola trying to pass as a teenage boy leads to a lot of hijinks and hilarity, and her teammates (led by Duke Osorio, played by Channing Tatum) are weirded out to the point of excluding “Sebastian.” To counteract this Viola’s actual female friends come up with a plan to make it seem like Sebastian is a super cool guy because all of these women are into him. Unsurprisingly, this works by playing into the toxic masculinity of teenage boys that anyone having this many attractive girls into them must be the coolest person they know.
Eventually a love shape of indeterminate points or sides forms between Viola – Duke – his crush Olivia – “Sebastian” and wouldn’t you know it, right then the actual Sebastian comes home a day early. He’s my favorite character in the movie despite barely being in it. He shows up to a new school, has a fellow student he’s never met profess their love to him, and be informed he’s a starter on the soccer team he’s never played on before in their biggest rivalry game and just…goes along with it like it’s normal?
It becomes obvious that the real Sebastian is not who they’ve been playing with and through an elaborate reveal in the second half Viola lets everyone in on the deception, by flashing everyone, scores the winning goal and rubs it into the face of the Cromwell coach who didn’t let her play on their team.
This being a teen romcom, the ending involves a ball that Viola shows up to, hoping that Duke will show up and forgive her deception. Will he show up? Will he forgive her? Will they kiss? Will he give a monologue of how he’s become a better person and is rejecting tenets of toxic masculinity? There’s only one way for you to find out the answers to these very important questions.
To recap, this film has Vinnie Jones, educational value, and won’t make you feel sad after. The Austin FC-LAFC match has no Vinnie Jones, no educational value, and will make you feel sad after. The choice is clear.
She’s the Man is available on Paramount+ or to rent/buy on Amazon, Apple TV, and Google Play