This week Austin FC said good-bye to Emiliano Rigoni, first putting him on waivers and then buying out the remainder of his contract. The Argentinian attacker has unfortunately not lived up to the title of Designated Player for this team outside of a brilliant match winner against the Houston Dynamo on April 20.
Thanks to Tom Bogert (and his brilliant mustache, which assuredly is who did the actual research) we found out this:
Which in addition to this tersely worded press release regarding Alex Ring’s extension and finding out from the recent salary drop that Diego Fagundez got another raise up to $1.3 Million a new term was coined on the Austin FC interwebz: The Reyna Bomb.
The team’s first sporting director’s legacy is still felt today as these ticking salary bombs are still popping off, or ticking down to this day (note: waiting to see Julio’s salary the next few years).
We, a serious news source, did the only sensible thing, we hired a hacker to get into Austin FC HQ and find out contract details of other players and their current contracts.
The details we found are shocking:
Sebastian Driussi’s pay goes up $10K per successful Rabona;
Dani Perreira has his team options automatically extended if he makes 100+ jokingly rude comments on team social media;
Julio Cascante has a special salary that goes to him being able to buy a new outfit for every match.
Ethan Finlay gets a bonus per mean tweet from his dad;
Brad Stuver gets a small percentage of revenue for 20 years if he reveals the secret of how his hair always looks so perfect;
Diego Rubio gets a bonus if he draws more yellow card fouls than he commits;
Every player with a child (or children) who scores a goal at home must celebrate with said child or be fined $1K;
Hector Jimenez gets a $100 from Josh Wolff every time he has to airdrop the Wifi password to him;
Matt Bersano has a continuing education clause to help with the vibes. His contract is paying for DJ lessons, BBQ mastery, and an improv class.
For every position Owen Wolff plays there is a new Teen Wolf sequel green lit;
Guilherme Biro gets a bonus every time an Apple TV announcer says he’s 19.