Parsing through some Nits in Houston

A great many things have been written about Texas’ MLS teams, and this is certainly one of them. If you’re looking for false equivalencies, a writer unable to stick to an opinion, and weird cultural stereotypes, then this is the piece for you

Well, this rivalry got heated quick.  I mean, I understand it.  I just don’t get it.  In only a year of existence, the 290 Derby heated up quicker than a Hot Pocket.  And, just like a Hot Pocket, everyone who bites into it runs the risk of melting the roof of their mouth off with nuclear levels of heat.  Let’s be real: this entire rivalry is childish. Just like most things going on in America today this matchup has a bunch of grown adults acting like petulant 6-year-olds.  So, just like you should do with a couple of toddlers throwing temper tantrums at pre-school, let’s sit down and hash this out.  We need to set some ground rules, boundaries, and get to know one another a little bit.

I wanted to let that entire paragraph wash over you, because this is a strong start by the author. They state they don’t understand the rivalry, call it childish, show they don’t know how to correctly eat and consume a hot pocket, and then decide all of us could use a good scolding as they blogsplain a situation they admit to not understanding.

Also: “the 290 derby”

(1) Austin F.C. Fans, you are more than welcome to come to Houston and cheer on your team. This is the south, we treat people with hospitality and respect or we at least we fake it really well for the sake of being southern.  

First off, Texas isn’t the South, and even if it was, Midwesterners are objectively better at fake nice than Southerners, they’re so good at it they’ve convinced Southerners that what they do compares.

This isn’t Philadelphia.  Not all of us #ForeverOrange followers are Hooligans looking to brawl.  Most of us are ashamed of the Hooligan nature of a very small contingent of our fans.  

That’s something we can agree on, especially after what happened in Frisco last weekend where Houston fans fought Frisco fans after their 2-1 loss.

But, let’s also review some basic respect here.  

Oh no

Show up, cheer your team on, pound your drums and sing your songs.  However, since you are new to all this, let’s review basic road team decorum.  

“Respect” and “decorum” are only used to justify things the person knows are inherently wrong to do. It’s the most obvious form of tone policing to try and make it seem like other people having fun is somehow inherently wrong.

Don’t act like you’re better than us.  If we are being real, your team hasn’t done anything…..at all.  

Random fact: it’s not possible to target “Houston Dynamo Supporters” with targeted ads on social media because the target market is considered too small.

To show up to our stadium and act like you own it is disrespectful.  Just show some proper level of respect as you would if you were in somebody’s home you didn’t know. You wouldn’t show up to someone’s house with muddy shoes and start smoking cigars in their house, telling them their cooking sucks and disrespecting their significant other.  Treat our stadium like you are a guest because that’s exactly what you are.  

Our Supporters Section cleans up their section after the match ends, it’s something we do home and away. Houston fans had to be held back by security after a match in Austin because they were trying to start fights on the concourse.

I’ll admit, during last year’s game I looked at Wade and said “That’s pretty awesome, but who do these people think they are bringing their drums into OUR stadium?” 

This is the same paragraph where you wrote “show up, cheer your team on, pound your drums and sing your songs” and now you’re telling a most likely apocryphal anecdote about you being annoyed by the thing you just gave the ok to above.

We all know you guys beat us twice last year, and we’re kinda grumpy about it.  We do have fans here that are proud of our team, and we’ve been on hard times recently.  I’m all for the support, just keep it classy

We at the False Nine exemplify “Classy” our office drink coolers only hold champagne (yes, from that region in France) C4, and the little non-alcoholic beer cans they hand out after matches at Q2.

(2) Dynamo Fans, Austin FC is great for MLS, let’s treat them with respect.

Not gonna lie, I’m actually a little jealous of the support and fanfare Austin F.C. has generated in their short time.  It’s phenomenal.  

*Grabs a flute of champagne and adjusts my monocle*

We here in Houston can act like jilted lovers, pointing out how fake it is 

One of my favorite parts of Austin FC fandom is how Houston and Frisco claim our support is fake because their brains can’t fathom having multiple SGs that work together not just to put on a show for every home match but do work in our community. Houston was gifted a relocation team despite not having any fan support for it in the same way Austin had MLS2ATX.

and blah blah blah blah blah, or we can accept the fact that what they are doing there is good for the league and hopefully pushes our FO to be better.  

Houston recently fired their GM and coach and is bringing in a Mexican National Team player from Atletico Madrid this summer, Houston fans should be thanking us.

Yes, they are currently our annoying brothers.  Well, really more like our annoying distant cousin. They just got here and are acting like they won the league even though they were terrible last season and have never done anything.  

Austin FC beat Houston twice and finished above them in the standings last season.

I get it. But we can’t go threatening them or smacking them around.  

This is the softest worded attempt at trying to quell violence possible when their fanbase hospitalized a Frisco fan last week and did similar to an Austin FC fan last year. 

That’s not what this city is about.  That’s not what this team or this fanbase is about. 

If you ask other MLS fans in Texas they will absolutely say that this is what your fanbase is about…and they’re right. 

 I’m not telling you to cheer for them, but it’s ok to laugh at them on the inside because they’re being a little ridiculous.  It’s actually good for them to be ridiculous.  Look at all the empty stadiums across the league. 

Like Houston’s

This league needs more ridiculous. I seriously hate every MLS team not named the Houston Dynamo, but I want to see a league with stadiums packed (including ours).  Let them have their fun, this league and this sport need more of it here.

Agreed, everyone wants this, but the lack of condemnation for parts of your shitty fan base is what keeps it from happening, not just across the league, but at your own stadium where fans talk about how it’s unsafe to attend. The Houston front office could crack down on this violence, but don’t. Hold your own Front Office accountable

(3) Please, for the love…..put down the Twitter Muscles. 

#Verde, I’m letting you know (as @HoustonDynamPod tried to do in a very ineloquent way)

You mean this tweet where they “ineloquently” threaten Austin fans? Is this the kind of “class” you mentioned above? *Adjusts on top hat*

that there are those among us who will take the things I mentioned above as disrespect.  We all know what happened last year.  You guys are accusing all of us of being Hooligans.  

An Austin FC fan was run down by a group of Houston fans and beaten, they even stole his instrument. Houston fans (including Dynapod as well as traveling Houston fans to Q2) have used the “trumpet” as a taunt and as an intimidation tactic ever since then.

I can promise you that 99.5% of us are not.  

But you have gone out of your way to reason what they’ve done, so you’re giving them free reign to speak for you.

So, let’s all put down the Twitter muscles, let’s all stop flexing our thumbs and digitizing our testosterone.  Relax, it’s a game.  

*Pops a fresh bottle of 1820 Juglar Cuvee as someone announces they came up with an article idea about comparing Austin FC players to characters from CW shows, Spoiler: Diego is Dawson*

Trust me, I love a good, heated rivalry.  I’m a Cowboys fan.  Literally, everyone hates us.  

The Cowboys are the most popular team in the NFL and overwhelmingly popular in this state.

But let it play out on the field.  Quit looking for trouble on Twitter, because you might actually find some.  

If you get beaten up it’s your own fault, look at what you made our fanbase do to you for tweeting.

Everyone just relax.

It’s going to be fun.  Austin FC, I’m glad you’re doing well.  Enjoy it, it’s exciting and it’s awesome.  

Thank you *raises flute to toast*

I hate you guys, but I’m glad that you are off to a good start and have an enthusiastic fan base.  I’m jealous.  I’d love to have the fanbase you guys have here.  

If you want a fanbase like ours you need to condemn the violent parts of your fan base. 

So show up, cheer on your team, keep it classy, and everything will be fine. 

*Gasps*

*Faints*