I may have opened a can of worms with the last article comparing Austin FC players to boy band members. My mind now lives in a constant state of comparing our team to movie and television characters, luxury brands and household objects. I spent a solid 15 minutes asking myself why I so firmly believe that if Josh Wolff was a pair of clothing, he would be overalls.
Well. Blame my kid for this one. I put on Monster’s Inc. for her the other day and my brain ran wild. So here are your Austin FC players as Disney/Pixar characters.
Brad Stuver // Woody
You can’t tell me this man doesn’t give off Sheriff Woody energy. Did you see his awesome save against Miami? It looks like someone yelled “Andy’s coming” and he went lifeless. A main character and natural leader, legs that make up 3/4 of the length of his body, and would look absolutely DASHING in yellow plaid and a cow print vest. Stuver is Sheriff Woody through and through.
Julio Cascante // Slinky Dog
Friend and fierce defender of Woody throughout all of the Toy Story movies, Slinky’s long self seems like the perfect comparison for a Stuver-protecting Cascante. Slink has proven, just like Julio, that he’s loyal and consistent, never one to give up on his buddies and I love that. When he’s not looking out for Woody, he’s coming in clutch for the rest of his mates.
Ruben Gabrielsen // Frozone
Just like Frozone, Gabrielsen showed how ready he was to dive into the action the moment he arrived in Austin. He went from airport, to training, to showing up at the game and accepting his jersey in less than 24 hours. This man really got here and said “Where’s my super suit?”
Side note: Edna said NO CAPES, but I’ll let this one slide:
Žan Kolmanič // Flik
God. This movie is 4 years younger than Toy Story, yet somehow I feel like I’m aging myself with this reference even more than the others. Kolmanić’s parents probably didn’t even “like-like” each other when this movie came out. They were still years away from his birth. In the movie, Flik is courageous, inventive and makes a lot of moves for the benefit of his colony. (Sure, a lot of his ideas go very, very wrong, but that’s a quality that has no place in this comparison). Flik is initially overlooked, but as he goes out of his way and proves himself, the rest FINALLY acknowledge and appreciate him for his heroic efforts.
Nick Lima // Hank The “Septopus”
I’m already disappointed in you for not having seen Finding Dory. I don’t care that you had grown up and moved out of your parents house by then. You made a commitment to this franchise when you sat in theaters for Finding Nemo 3 separate times AND I EXPECT YOU TO FINISH IT!
Anyway. Hank is an accomplished escape artist with slick moves and wisdom beyond any of his peers. He’s sarcastically seasoned to perfection. He knows everything about everything and Lima seems like he’s that kind of man.
Dani Pereira // Russell From Up
Russell is enthusiastic, adventurous, and helpful. Dani is all of these things, plus I bet you he would be the kind to have a bird named Kevin. I truly have no idea if Dani is Junior Wilderness Explorer material or not, but I cannot get over the idea of him in the uniform, so this had to happen. I’m sorry, Dani.
Sebastián Driussi // James P. Sullivan
Both of these guys are hard working, effective, somehow simultaneously intense and calm, and they seem huggable AF. Like Sully, Seba shows up for work, scares the crap out of his targets, but reverts back to his gentle and kind default when he clocks out. Plus they’re both great with kids.
Alex Ring // Mr. Potato Head
I had to choose him solely for the purpose of bringing up the part where Mrs. Potato Head packs her husband a pair of angry eyes. Our Alex is a smiley, loveable guy off the field, but on the field, it’s like our captain puts on his angry eyes, and then holy hell watch out. (He of course does it correctly, unlike Mr. Potato Head.)
Diego Fagúndez // Lightning McQueen
Though McQueen’s arrogance and stubborn nature is absent in Diego, the fact that he’s a young hot shot who likes to go fast and show off what he can do immediately made this an easy comparison. Thankfully Diego seems to like Austin a lot more than Lightning McQueen first liked Radiator Springs. Ka-Chow!
Maximiliano Urruti // Remy From Ratatouille
Don’t be shy, Maxi, we know you can cook!
Thankfully for the team, Maxi is not a rat. (Not since he left Houston, anyway.) Hey Maxi! Cough up some recipes when you get a chance!
Bonus Content
Kipp Keller // Crush
Kipp Keller is Crush from Finding Nemo.
