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This is Pierre-Luc Lauzière. Gaze upon the waxy visage of this motherfucker. He has the face of a man who has never experienced joy in his entire life. His favorite color is taupe. His dream vacation is a weekend in Windsor, Ontario. He doesn’t eat ketchup because it’s “too spicy.” If he so much as looks at a jalapeño, he instantly bursts into flames.
Anyway, this Quebecois-ass buster and his merry band of refereeing imbeciles committed grand larceny in front of 20,000 people last night. He came into our house and stole a victory from us. Can you even imagine what the scenes in the stands would’ve been like if that match meant anything to either team? Fifteen hours later and we’re still furious. I hope the Canadian government cancels his passport and he’s forced to live in JFK Airport like Tom Hanks in The Terminal. Fuck. Let’s get to the numbers.
What Songs Were Played, and How Many Times?
Random thoughts: It was a pretty standard setlist last night, with only eighteen different songs and chants performed. The choices were mostly high-energy, with the only cooldown song coming when “Is This Love?” was played late in the second half. It was also a big night for the “MVP” chant, as Sebastian Driussi had one goal scored and one goal disallowed.
What Songs Were Playing When Austin Scored
Random thoughts: THERE IT IS! It took all season long, but someone finally scored during “Dale Austin.” And it was the good guys! Although we were secretly hoping that La Murga would change songs between the penalty being awarded and Driussi scoring, just for maximum hilarity. Still, congratulations to “Dale Austin,” which is no longer the most irrelevant song of 2022.
What Songs Were Playing When Colorado Scored
Random thoughts: This goal never should’ve happened. If Lauzière was even remotely competent at his job, Austin would’ve had a clean sheet and a comfortable 2-0 or 3-0 victory as Colorado played the waning minutes down a man. Instead, poor “Matador” had to pay for his idiocy.
Season Totals
Final Thoughts
As we close the book on the regular season, “Is This Love?” still holds a slim lead at the top of the table (non-moment of silence division). However, it wouldn’t take much for at least five other songs to knock it from the podium.
On the other end, it seems like “Colors” has all but locked up the wooden spoon. As it is the type of cooldown song that is only played when Austin is trying to park the bus, a lot of things would have to go right before it could even have an opportunity to contribute to a goal. But stranger things have happened in the MLS playoffs, so there’s at least a glimmer of hope.
Now that “Dale Austin” is off the schneid, our current leader for most irrelevant song is the “MVP” chant. We would be remiss if we didn’t point out that a healthy plurality of the supporter’s section was chanting “MVP” as Driussi was taking his penalty kick, but we reviewed the tape and La Murga was definitely still playing “Dale Austin” when he scored.
H.E. Pennypacker
H.E. Pennypacker spends far too much time thinking about Austin FC, much to the consternation of his friends, family, and employers. He could really go for a sandwich right about now.