Here is Rodney Redes’ Wikipedia page. Please take a moment to soak it all in. Bathe in it. Bask in it. Re-read it several times if you so choose. I promise that this post will still be here when you are done.
Are you finished? Good. Now that you’ve familiarized yourself with the text, let’s dive into exactly what you just experienced: the single most incredible Wikipedia entry that I have ever seen, but likely not for any reason that you may have already surmised. Let’s unpack the beauty, shall we?
Rodney Redes, professional athlete and the first-ever signing in Austin FC history, has a Wikipedia entry that is exactly one sentence long. There are no external references appended to the only sentence on Rodney Redes’ Wikipedia page (hereafter referred to as “The Sentence”), which wouldn’t be a big deal were it not for the fact that Redes’ name is listed two different ways on his page. Within The Sentence, his name is given as Rodney Redes. However, on the page’s sidebar of biographical information, it lists his actual name as Rodney Iván Redes Cáceres (which also contains no citations). Which name is correct? I have no idea, and it appears that the esteemed editors of Mr. Redes’ Wiki page do not know either.
The Sentence is composed of twenty-three words. Five of the words are “Major,” “League,” “Soccer,” “Austin,” and “FC.” I must credit the authors for correctly identifying Redes’ employer as well as the professional sports league in which his team operates, although I don’t know if this information alone should occupy 21.7% of the page’s total content.
The Sentence contains three proper nouns, three common nouns, two active verbs, one passive verb, two adjectives, two indefinite articles, two prepositions, and a date. Apparently, this represents the sum total of Redes’ twenty-two years on planet Earth. His entire life can fit into a single tweet. For reference, Aedan Stanley’s Wikipedia page is 2400% longer.
Redes had more appearances for Austin FC in 2021 than The Sentence has words of text.
But enough about The Sentence. After all, one should not rate Wikipedia entries only in terms of the words on the page. Is it not true that a picture is worth a thousand words? Well, the custodians of Redes’ Wiki entry seem to disagree: there are no images accompanying the article. However, the authors should probably be given a pass, as a Google search of universally-licensed photos of “Rodney Redes football player” returned a snapshot of a double-crested cormorant but no actual photographs of Redes.
Credit: U.S Fish and Wildlife Service
And what of the table of career statistics which, apart from The Sentence and the biographical sidebar, make up the entirety of Redes’ Wikipedia? My friends, this is where we can find the true majesty of the article and its authors.
In its history, twenty-two(!) separate people have updated Rodney Redes’ entry. The last modification of The Sentence occurred on August 19, 2021, when Wiki editor ArsenalFan700 clarified that Redes plays for “Major League Soccer club Austin FC” rather than “Austin FC of Major League Soccer” (side note: if anyone can put me into contact with ArsenalFan700, kindly let me know; I would very much like to interview them). Every other edit since March of 2021 shows people dutifully updating Redes’ career statistics after each appearance with Austin FC, and nothing else.
Who are these people? Who are these beautiful souls who woke up on late-summer Sunday mornings for the express purpose of adjusting Rodney Redes’ season appearances from 18 to 19, and then from 19 to 20 the next week, and so forth until the end of the season? Who looks at the vastness of Wikipedia’s 6.5 million English-language articles and says “this encomium of human knowledge needs to reflect that a Paraguayan winger played three minutes on September 4, registering no goals and no assists” and leaves the rest of the page completely unaltered?
As I sit here in the humble confines of Casa de Pennypacker, I feel like I truly understand these people: they are me, and I am them.
No, I am not Quickman70, who noted at 5am on July 8 that Redes had just made his eleventh appearance of the season. But I understand that urge. I understand that life in 2022 means constantly being awash in seas of information and misinformation alike, and that doggedly pursuing truth requires a tremendous amount of mental triage. I understand staring at a computer screen in the wee hours of the morning, finding some bit of erroneous data in need of correction, and feeling momentarily satisfied once I’ve amended the ledger. But I also understand looking at the withered husk of Rodney Redes’ Wikipedia page and thinking “I, Soccer Fan 164, am not prepared to provide verifiable biographical details of a player that I don’t really care about and who, if we’re being honest, has kind of sucked since he got to this country. Still, I want to contribute to the factual record somehow, so I will increase this table entry by one and then save my edits.” A love of knowledge takes many forms, after all.
So I salute you, Pincheira22 and UncleTupelo1 and all of your brethren and sistren in the Wikipedia trenches. I know that, should Redes take the field on Sunday, you will be there to incrementally bump up his season appearance totals, just as I will be there to dispel the notion that “McKalla” is a cursed song. Hand in hand, we will do our part to keep the factual record of the history of Austin FC as honest as we can.
But seriously my dudes, please add a picture of Rodney to his page. You’re making us all look like a bunch of amateurs.
H.E. Pennypacker
H.E. Pennypacker spends far too much time thinking about Austin FC, much to the consternation of his friends, family, and employers. He could really go for a sandwich right about now.