The end of the MLS Transfer Window is upon us! We’ve consulted with the False Nine legal team at the firm of Dewey, Cheetum, and Howe to pick through the Byzantine complex of MLS salary rules to find you the most interesting tidbits and their modern applications:
Golf Club Sponsorship Exemption
A player’s salary doesn’t count against the salary cap if the local golf club pays his wages in vouchers for 365 days of free golf.
Example: Gareth Bale only makes $5 per week, but is allowed to play 36 holes of golf per day at any course in California for free as long as he doesn’t try to ramp a golf cart above a 30 degree angle.
Discovery Rights Bouquet Exemption
If, during a player’s wedding, a team calls “dibs” while the bouquet is in the air*, the player’s wages do not count against the salary cap of the dibs claiming club, who shall also have first rights to sign the player. If other clubs attempt to sign the player they will not pass go and will not collect $200. The GM of the signing club must also do a silly dance.
*Alistair Dennis has no idea if this is still a thing as he was raised by fluffy coos (cows, look it up) in a communal society
Example: Since Toronto FC had previously called dibs on Luiz Araújo; Carlos Bocanegra had to do the Charleston to fully secure his rights. He also can’t choose the dog in monopoly for 5 years.
The Father/Son Discount
If a father is coaching a son, the two may elect to have their salaries averaged in order to reduce the total impact against the salary cap. This provision is only allowable if the two wear the same size jersey.
Example: Josh and Teen Wolff could utilize this provision if Owen signs a contract making more than his dad.
The Ole Linguistic Double Dip
If two players names translated have substantially similar meanings, the two must have a best of 5 rock, paper, scissor (no shoot) competition; loser’s salary is counted against the cap.
Example: Giovanni Reyna and John Queen only count for one salary cap hit, presumably the latter.
The Astrology Exemption
A jubilee against salary cap charges shall be declared so long as all contracts are sealed with a blood stamp while Mercury is in retrograde.
Example: We’re trying to figure out Toronto’s moves, maybe Canadian dollars don’t count.
The “See No Evil” Exemption
You can have as many designated players as you want so long as you pretend they’re not designated players.
Example: Inter Miami, no further explanation needed
The Ultimate MLS Rule
All of the rules are made up and the points don’t matter if you’re located in Los Angeles County
Example: Really?
We hope you’ve enjoyed this edition of Little Known MLS Salary Rules, since they’ll change by the time this article posts, we should have more content soon.