This Saturday we get to watch two teams in the bottom half of the Bundesliga play a meaningless match, but we are incredibly excited to be back at Q2 to watch live soccer. “But Charles, who am I supposed to root for?” A lot, Many, Some, Ok, fine, one person asked who they should root for, so it’s time to look at this from a variety of perspectives so we can pick a team on Saturday because these are adults playing soccer and we are keeping score.
The Kits:
FC Koln:
VfB Stuttgart:
It hasn’t been announced what kits the teams will be in on Saturday, so I will have to evaluate them as a set. I’m a huge fan of sash kits and kits with a stripe pattern that involves only a single color, so I’m partial to the Koln kit designs to Stuttgart.
However!
The away hoop kit is a great look, combined with Red and Black being a classic color combination, it would be a strong design choice for the home and away to both feature that design, and merely suggesting this caused someone at Adidas to get a migraine.
Advantage: Slightly to Stuttgart
The Mascots:
FC Koln: Their mascot is Hennes, a billygoat, a tradition that started in 1950 when the Cologne circus gifted the club with a young goat for luck, and they named the animal after their then coach. They are currently up to Hennes IX, so we are partial to him.
VfB Stuttgart: Fritzle, a Crocodile that hatched from a red spotted egg in 1992 after the members of the club voted on what the new mascot should be and should be named.
From his official bio his hobbies include: Being the twelfth man in the group of players, cheering on and supporting our boys to the best of our ability, celebrating VfB goals and victories, meeting my friends from the VfB Fritzle Club, celebrating children’s birthdays
Advantage: Koln. I can’t state enough that a live goat is cooler than someone wearing a Crocodile costume, especially considering the local flare of how the tradition started. Unfortunately this was too early in history for the name to be Crocy McCrocodileFace.
Sponsors:
FC Koln: Their kit sponsor is Revisionsverband der Westkauf-Genossenschaften or Rewe, which is one of the largest grocery stores in the country and their stadium is sponsored by RheinEnergie, a local electric utility company. Neither of these sponsors are sexy.
VfB Stuttgart: Their current main kit and sleeve sponsor is Mercedes-Benz, a company that has been well known for decades as being a symbol of status and luxury with Janis Joplin using the company name to decry consumerism.
Advantage: Stuttgart
Dialects:
I consulted with Travis McTravelface about this, as he speaks a variety of German dialects in a suspiciously perfect way.
FC Koln is based in Cologne near the French border, where they speak the Kolsch dialect, a slow, almost Dutchlike version of German that is leisurely and easy to understand. Kölle Alaaf!
VfB Stuttgart is based in the Swabian region of German and Swabian can best be described less as speaking and more schwätzen or…jabbering. It’s a dialect that basically boils down to nothing but mumbling and is difficult to understand even for those that live in the area. Which is the opposite of why language exists.
Advantage: Koln
Pre-Match Hype Videos:
The Koln video is a perfect mix of humor, visuals, and embraces a campiness that we can all enjoy. The song itself is catchy and tells a history of the club. Unfortunately the video doesn’t include anything specifically Austin FC related but the lazy cowboy theme fits Austin.
We appreciate that Stuttgart put out a video with ample shots of the Supporter’s Section at Q2, but…there’s a possibly blasphemous problem with it: Why is Soccer Moses featured? Or a clear view of the Nashville skyline? Did they not notice the team colors are wrong? What search term did they put in that returned Austin FC supporter’s section AND Nashville’s Supporters? Can someone translate these questions into German so I can send it to their PR team?
Advantage: Koln, it’s on brand and isn’t confusing or mocked by fans in the Twitter replies, the ultimate peanut gallery.
Final Result: It’s Koln!
A combination of a goat mascot, a superior dialect, and a better pre-game hype video proved to be unbeatable compared to a guy in a Crocodile costume in a nice car.
Look forward to seeing everyone at Q2 on Saturday, it’s been far too long.