We’re not going to talk about last week’s Austin FC match. It wasn’t pretty. It wasn’t positive. Let’s just move on.
But you know what we will talk about? The rest of this incredibly dumb and fascinating league where the GAM is made up and the rules don’t matter. Don’t believe me?
Remember that guy? Austin FC traded him for a washing machine and a bag of Doritos. He’s now worth about three Julio Cascante’s in Garber bucks. The moral of the story: there isn’t one. This league is dumb. I’ll still defend it with my last breath. But its undeniably dumb.
Let’s just get to the cheering guide.
MLS Sickos Game of the Week
Club de Foot Montreal vs D.C. United – 6:30 p.m. (Apple TV)
Let’s allow the numbers to make my case. Specifically, the number 2.
2: The combined number of wins these teams possess
2: The combined number of draws these teams possess (both are D.C.’s)
2: The average number of goals scored against these teams
2: One less than the total number of goals Montreal has scored
Enjoy this dumpster fire of a match. At least the weather looks nice at Stade Saputo.
6:30 p.m. Block (Apple TV – *Denotes Free Match)
FC Charlotte vs Colorado Rapids*
Columbus Crew vs New England Revolution*
New York Red Bulls vs Houston Dynamo
NYCFC vs Nashville SC
Toronto FC vs Atlanta United*
There are several really good matches here in the early block. Of course, we’re not rooting for the Dynamo ever, however we can’t in good conscience tell you to cheer for Energy Drink FC after last week’s racist bull shit. So just avoid that one altogether and hope everyone somehow loses.
As for one to watch, may I point you towards leaky roof field in Ohio where a battle of consequence between two MLS 1.0 teams will commence. Both clubs find themselves in the top four of the Eastern Conference, but are doing it in very different ways. The Revs are winning low scoring, tight matches while Columbus is either winning by scoring 3+ or losing to the Union and Red Bulls. This should be a good game and worth your time to tune in. You know who we’re rooting for though, right?
The Side: The Minutemen
Addendum: As future MLS Commissioner, I hereby decree that all matches between MLS 1.0 clubs ending in a draw shall be decided by 35-yard penalty kicks, as their forefathers did in the glory days of 1996.
7:30 p.m. Block (Apple TV – *Denotes Free Match)
Chicago Fire vs Philadelphia Union
FC Dallas vs Real Salt Lake
Minnesota United FC vs Orlando City*
St. Louis CITY vs FC Cincinnati
CITY is starting to find out how the other half lives after dropping two straight, including a second half drubbing in Seattle last weekend. Now they get to go home to face….
wait, this can’t be……
……..THE FIRST FUCKING PLACE AND SUPPORTERS’ SHIELD LEADING KNIFEY LIONS OF FC CINCINNATI!!!
The same Cincinnati that is just 18 months removed from claiming its 3rd consecutive Wooden Spoon. Holy shit this league is insane. I love it.
Anywho, CITY has their hands full and could easily drop their third straight match this weekend. Since they still employ Jared “Give Me My Damn Oscar You Cowards” Stroud, I’m all for the humiliation.
The Side: Cincy chili > Toasted Ravioli
9:30 p.m. Block (Apple TV – *Denotes Free Match)
Portland Timbers vs Seattle Sounders
San Jose Earthquakes vs Sporting Kansas City*
Oh Apple, you sneaky bastards. One of the league’s premier rivalries is getting the MLS After Dark treatment on Saturday and Apple didn’t even make it the free match for the time slot. That’s some cruel shit right there. It may be for the best though. Portland is not good and injuries are only making them worse. Seattle has been flying high all year so far and looks like the juggernaut that won CCL last season. This match has the potential to be ugly. But it’s still an awesome rivalry and you should definitely watch this over anything to do with Sporting KC.
The Side: Portland for the LOLz
Sunday Special – 3:30 p.m. (FOX/Apple TV)
L.A. Galaxy vs LAFC
The first El Tráfico of the season is actually the second one scheduled, however the original meeting in the Rose Bowl was <check notes….looks again puzzled…..yep, that’s right> rained out due to torrential downpours in Los Angeles.
Don’t worry, they’ll make that game up on July 4th. As for this one, it’s probably gonna be brutal for the L.A. originals. The Galaxy are BAD. Like, Wooden Spoon contenders level of bad. LAFC is GOOD. Like, could potentially win at least three trophies this year good. My suggestion, unless you really just enjoy watching one team kick the shit out of its rival, is to find something better to do with your Sunday.
The Side: 78 & Sunny on Sunday in Austin. Go outside. Don’t watch this.
Uncle Tony P.
Uncle Tony P. is a lifelong Austin FC supporter and overall handsome son of a bitch who always has a full supply of mustard on hand for his Verde friends.