Wow! What a first week for the 2023 MLS season! In one weekend:
- Atlanta United scored twice in stoppage time thanks two stunners by Thiago Alamada to beat San Jose
- D.C United also scored twice in stoppage time to upend Toronto 3-2
- There wasn’t a single draw in the league.
- MLS Season Pass on Apple looked awesome
And nope, nothing else wild happened in MLS. Not a single, solitary thing. On an unrelated note, Jared Stroud, we are now mortal enemies. You know why Jared.
So now we’re on to Match Day 2, where all the league’s fixtures will take place on Saturday. As I mentioned last week, the season is just beginning and we don’t have to think about standings just yet, so I’m going to block off games by their start times, focus on a few matches, and not worry about the ATX Impact Rating just yet. To the spite!
LAFC vs Portland Timbers – Saturday @ 3:30 p.m. (FOX / Apple TV – Free)
The defending MLS Cup champs had their match at the Rose Bowl rained out, so this will act as their season opener. Meanwhile Portland is coming off a colossally boring 1-0 win over Sporting Kansas City Monday night. Seriously y’all, that game was dull. This feels like a game where LAFC probably rolls to a 3-1 win, but over the long term, the best option here is a Timbers victory.
The Side: Timber Joey’s Men
6:30 p.m. Block (Apple TV – *denotes free match)
New York Red Bulls vs Nashville SC*
Atlanta United vs Toronto FC
Columbus Crew vs D.C United*
Inter Miami CF vs Philadelphia Union*
New England Revolution vs Houston Dynamo
Orlando City vs FC Cincinnati
The whip-around show is going to be your friend for the early block, but if you are only focusing on one game, make it Miami hosting Philly. The Herons picked up a 2-0 win at home against Montreal in week one and this is a great early season litmus test for the Fort Lauderdale XI. Philadelphia did Philadelphia things by romping past Columbus 4-1. Philly = still good at this soccer thing. We don’t particularly care who wins this match, but it has potential to be solid.
The Side: Fun for everyone!
The only early match with Western Conference implications involves Houston. Little brother dropped their opener to Cincinnati last week and now go back on the road to take on the Revs. Did I mention the high is going to be about 34 degrees during the game? HAVE FUN GUYS!
The Side: Like you had to ask
7:30 p.m. Block (Apple TV – *denotes free match)
Chicago Fire vs NYCFC*
FC Dallas vs LA Galaxy
St. Louis CITY vs FC Charlotte
The Galaxy will officially open their season without Chicharito, who is out for several weeks with a hamstring injury. Meaning this has the makings of a Frisco special: no action with everyone in bed by 10 o’clock frustrated and disappointed. Paul Arriola is gonna love it.
The Side: 30 seconds of missionary followed by two hours of sobbing
Normally I would hope that they come out victorious in their first ever match, because St. Louis most definitely did not play a game in week one. Couldn’t find evidence of it anywhere. But CITY has Jared Stroud and as I’ve already mentioned, screw that guy.
The Side: Charlotte’s Web
8:30 p.m. Block (Apple TV)
Colorado Rapids vs Sporting Kansas City
9:30 p.m. Block (Apple TV – *denotes free match)
Seattle Sounders vs Real Salt Lake
San Jose Earthquakes vs Vancouver Whitecaps*
Not to alarm everyone, but Seattle looked like SEATTLE last Sunday night. That’s frightening. RSL went to Canada, came away with a tough win at BC Place, and now get another trip to Cascadia for a date with the Sounders. This could be pretty fun or a Seattle blowout. Here’s hoping for option A.
The Side: Not the fake Salt Lake
Uncle Tony P.
Uncle Tony P. is a lifelong Austin FC supporter and overall handsome son of a bitch who always has a full supply of mustard on hand for his Verde friends.