Accumulation Deliberation or: Why Dani Pereira Should Take a Yellow in Carson

Daniel Pereira has a problem.

The red card he saw at the palace of the royal family of Utah did nothing to help clear Dani’s yellow card accumulation. As he sits on four yellows coming into this afternoon’s contest in Carson, earning one more will result in an automatic one-match suspension under Major League Soccer rules.

Fortunately for Dani and the entire Austin FC family, we have found a solution: Dani must earn his fifth yellow today against L.A. Galaxy.

You see, the next MLS match for Austin after Carson is at Montréal on June 18. Dani is not able to travel to Canada for . . . reasons, so he will be sitting that match out no matter what happens this weekend. Why not simultaneously serve his inevitable suspension when Austin faces le Club de Foot?

Now, we at The False Nine are sure that referee Rubiel Vazquez is a fine official. But what must be done is clear. And we want to make this as easy as we can for Dani, who has always been this writer’s favorite Austin player.

So here is a list of things Daniel Pereira might say to earn a card today, escalating from least serious (risk of just pissing off the ref without earning a card) to most egregious (major risk of overshooting into direct red territory).

1. Hey Ref! I found your phone; you missed 14 calls!
   RISK LEVEL: LOW

2. I bet this guy [motioning to ref] uses the term “adulting.”
   RISK LEVEL: LOW

3. This referee gets his Chipotle WITH NO RICE at all!
   RISK LEVEL: LOW

4. Hey I heard the ref thinks seafoam is verde!
   RISK LEVEL: LOW

5. You spell it “catsup,” don’t you; you sick bastard.
   RISK LEVEL: MODERATE

6. Get off your knees, ref. You’re blowing the whole game!
   RISK LEVEL: MODERATE

[IMAGE REDACTED]

7. Hey Ref, you’re so stupid I bet you believe James Ruth when he says Karbach is craft!
   RISK LEVEL: MODERATE

8. Is guess it’s true: Ted really is your fucking Unkel!
   RISK LEVEL: HIGH

9. Give me a fucking yellow card already, you orange-breasted cockalorum!
   RISK LEVEL: HIGH

And finally, if, for some reason, none of the above works there is still one last option.

10. The Dempsey™
    RISK LEVEL: EXTREMELY HIGH